Comedy cartoons

A couple scaled the Empire State Building, unfurled a peace banner, and got engaged 1,450 feet up before being arrested... They're registered at Bail Bonds and Beyond.

 

An Anthropic researcher resigned, saying AI labs are racing to superintelligence and gambling with our lives... but it’s not really as bad as it sounds, considering how little most of our lives are worth. (This joke won a comedy writing contest)

 

Police in Gatlinburg, Tennessee were called to a Quality Inn after a black bear entered an exterior bathroom and locked itself inside... As he was leaving the bear said "You probably don't want to go in there for a while."

 

Researchers won an Ig Nobel Prize for burying 1,000 pairs of underwear across 25 countries to study soil health...The ones in NJ still had a mob informant wearing them.

 

Audible opened a pop-up bookstore in NYC that contains no books. They got the idea from a vegan restaurant that had no actual food. (This joke won a joke-writing contest)

 

The first night of Trump's midterm convention drew 2.3 million Fox News viewers, no more than its ordinary primetime lineup... proving my theory that 2.3 million Americans don’t know how to change the channel. (This joke won a comedy writing contest)

 

There are some words that I learned you should not google as a quick way to see how to spell them. Bestiality is one of them.

 

A Texas man convicted of a $26 million military health care fraud spent part of it on a gold-plated Cybertruck... two reasons to throw him in jail. (This joke won a comedy writing contest)

 

President Trump hosted China’s President Xi Jinping and AI executives at a White House state dinner... then Trump took credit for making the White House a state. (This joke won a comedy writing contest)

 

I do a lot of shows for charities. They're always talking about putting the FUN in fundraising. But nobody ever talks about the raisins.

 

Me: One of my colleagues is also a professional poker player. A friend: Which is he better at, comedy or poker? Me: I don't know, because I'm not dumb enough to play poker with him.

 

Your phone not recognizing your face on Sunday morning might be the most American way to learn that you need to cut back on your drinking.

 

My cab driver's name is Osama. So all you people complaining because your name is Karen can just shut up now.

 

If you're a vegan, and you went to Harvard, which do you tell people first?

 

 

Federal regulators approved the first robotaxi with no steering wheel, no pedals, and face-to-face seats for rides in Las Vegas... That's for the Marriage Robotaxi. The Divorce Robotaxi comes with an ejector seat. (This joke won a comedy writing contest)

 

I do not want my obituary to include the phrase "Gas station sushi."

 

A White House medical report lists Trump at 238 pounds, 1.6 pounds short of being classified as obese...Sparing RFK Jr. the effort of raising the obesity threshold... again.

 

Vanity Fair named Pope Leo XIV to its 2026 Best-Dressed List, citing his Nike sneakers, alongside Bjork and Spike Lee... What about us? We wear Nikes too, said 5000 eight year old Nike factory workers.

 

I got an email from Staples offering me a discount on a 24 pack of Crayola crayons. What are they trying to tell me? That I'm not worth the 64 pack?

A U.S. Army unit is offering soldiers who reenlist four extra days off, timed to the November release of Grand Theft Auto VI... Meanwhile the Navy is promising that sailors who reenlist will actually have food available during their deployment.

 

People say that Jews run Hollywood. What do they want us to run, marathons? In all my life I've never met a Jew from Kenya.

 

I did a show for an AI company. Nobody showed up.

 

DHS proposed a $103,265 fee for every new H-1B worker, two months after a judge threw out its $100,000 version... DHS was told that raising the fee would make it legal, according to their lawyer, a graduate of the Trump University School of Law.

 

A Chinese humanoid robot ran the 100 meters in 9.32 seconds Saturday, faster than the world record held by Usain Bolt... It then got hit on by a Tesla but then at last call ended up going home with a toaster.

 

The State Department apologized after an AI-generated map of Africa shown at an AIDS conference mislabeled every country... they apologized to Italy, the best country in Africa. (This joke won a comedy writing contest)

 

Doing shows overseas I have to confirm that some cultural references will be understood. In Berlin I asked the emcee if they have escape rooms in Germany. Then I realized: They INVENTED escape rooms. They were a lot harder back then.

 

My girlfriend has two parrots and a parakeet. They don't talk. But they do... smell.

I signed up to drive for Uber. Not for the money- it was the easiest way to get my friends with day jobs to stop asking me for rides to the airport. Volkswagen will cut 50,000 jobs and close four German plants under a restructuring plan it named Future Plan 2030... how cute, VW thinks it’ll still be around in 2030.