Late Night Monologue Jokes and other topical humor. Best jokes from freelance late-night monologue TV writer Shaun Eli
What is Expired Comedysm?
Shaun has written thousands of jokes for the late night television monologues of 3 of America’s talk show hosts and for a political website. Most of the jokes were based on current events which are now no longer topical- with the passage of time they have lost their original utility. 50,000 words of monologue jokes from late-night TV THAT YOU NEVER SAW ON TV, plus more comedy content.
These jokes were not told on the air (the ones he sold no longer belong to him).
Expired Comedy is a service mark of Comedian Shaun Eli. All rights reserved.
I wonder how many drunken wrong number calls 867-5308 gets.
My mother spoke to me in Yiddish only when she was angry.
I didn’t misbehave nearly enough to learn to speak it.
A drunk driver who drove down a flight of steps blamed her GPS. When I did that I explained I was just trying to save fuel.
The governor of Florida wants to enact a law allowing any adult to carry a firearm without a permit. Much to the dismay of the guys playing Kennedy and Lincoln in Disney’s Hall of Presidents.
A new study says that virtual meetings dampens creativity. I think they’re wrong- lots of people in virtual meetings are figuring out very creative ways to make it look like they’re actually paying attention.
A pizza delivery driver saved a woman’s life after she’d fallen while waiting outside for the delivery. When she got home from the hospital three weeks later she complained to DoorDash that her pizza was cold.
Amazon announced that they’re offering up to $4000 per year to employees who need to travel to another state for a medical procedure. But on the journey they won’t be entitled to any bathroom breaks.
How many network TV executives does it take to change a light bulb?
Here’s my answer:
Union rules don’t allow executives to change bulbs.
It takes six union guys to change the bulb, but only after eight levels of executives greenlighted the project. And by the time they’re done approving the project, the light bulb has become a refrigerator and the studio head’s mistress has a part.
Like most Americans my Love Language is pizza.
1/3 of food in America is wasted. Most of it on cooking shows.
Hey Ikea, If you want to hurt Russia, don’t close your stores. Just take a few pieces out of each box.
Tom Brady is coming out of retirement because he bet all his money on Russia winning in three days.
Zilensky didn’t want to appear at the Oscars. He said they were too violent.
The Ivy League of Comedy would like to announce that in addition to finding comedians for your corporate, charity or private event, you can also hire us to book a comedian to lead your country during the time of war.
The national flower of Ukraine is the sunflower.
The national flower of the United States is the big mac.
I got a spam email that said “I’m real girl not prostitute.”
I want to write back “I cook good dinner not poison.”
So let me get this straight- you can assault someone at the Oscars and they don’t throw you out? My local bar has better security.
Netflix said that the cost of my Netflix subscription is going up. MY subscription? Nope.
Will Smith has done more to boost next year’s Oscar ratings than anyone else.
On-line shopping when you’re drunk is really cool. Because a few days later you get all these gifts you didn’t expect, sent by someone who knows you pretty well.
I’m drinking something called a billionaire’s cocktail.
So far it hasn’t worked.
Or maybe I’ve just deprived Warren Buffett of his nightcap.
The real reason that Putin wants to invade Ukraine is that all the hot Russian women have apparently all been promised to American men. Or at least that’s what my spam folder is telling me.
Happy Valentine’s Day. The Rams won but they didn’t cover the spread. So if you bet on the Rams and you’re a polygamist, today is going to be a very expensive day for you.
A truck carrying monkeys overturned on a Pennsylvania highway and some monkeys escaped.
Authorities tracked the escaped monkeys to a typewriter store, where they were typing out Shakespeare plays.
That’s how smart the monkeys were.
They were able to find a typewriter store.
The Biden Administration is sending weapons to Ukraine.
Trump would’ve sent paper towels.
When I got to the theatre last Thursday I saw that their promo material for my show said something like Come For Some Laughs.
So when I was finished with my set I said “I saw that the promo for the show said come for some laughs. SOME laughs. So I didn’t feel a lot of pressure to be funny tonight. And I lived up to my expectations.”
Frontier Airlines is buying Spirit Airlines to create the scariest flying experience ever.
Frontier said they wanted to double in size. So they’re buying another airline, since the FAA rejected their original plan, stuffing twice as many people into each plane.
I opened a box on my doorstep. I looked through the styrofoam peanuts but there was nothing in the box. So I looked at the label to see where it came from and I saw that it was addressed to my neighbor.
Brought it to my neighbor, worried he’d think I stole his order. I told him what happened, hoping he’d believe me.
He said “Great, my styrofoam peanut order has arrived. Now I can ship my computer off to be repaired.!”
I spend most of my day moving things on my calendar from today to tomorrow.
I’m looking forward to tonight’s snowstorm because I’ve run out of things to complain about.
Somebody stopped me on the street to sell me something. I just said “You’re muted” and kept walking.
Confused the hell out of him.
First workout of the year
will probably be sometime in July.
Melania Trump will be selling a non-fungible token image of her face. She said that some of the proceeds will go to charity but the bulk of the revenue will go into what she’s calling her escape fund.
The voices in my head have put in for a transfer.
A Libertarian is the person who shows up at all your parties empty-handed but never hosts their own parties. When you ask why, they tell you that they could never throw a party as well as you do.
At first you’re flattered, then you realize you’ve been had.
An anti-vaccination activist says people should drink their own urine.
A lot of punchlines to that set-up:
Those people should become long-distance truck drivers.
And hats off to whoever came up with that! I guess they did A-B testing and discovered urine would work but idiots would balk at poop?
I’m all for giving people the choice to drink their own urine but wouldn’t it be more social for people to drink other people’s urine? Drinking together is usually much more fun than drinking alone.
People have been drinking urine for years. It’s called Corona Light.
Have they checked to see if people who drink Corona Light don’t get covid? That would be supporting evidence.
First they said vote for Trump and I said nothing because I thought he was a successful businessman. Then they said take horse medicine to cure covid and I said nothing because I love horses. Then they said drink your own urine and I said nothing because I’d already lost my sense of taste and smell. Then they said to vote for Trump again but I couldn’t because I was already dead from covid.
I’m all for drinking your own urine if you want to but as a Pepsi shareholder I’m disappointed that it may cut down on sales of Mtn Dew.
Telling people to drink their own urine is just another sexist example of things that are harder for women than for men.
Drinking urine? Will people be opening urine bars now? Is this the new kombucha?
Drinking your own urine is fine unless you’re a diabetic in which case I think it could be dangerous.
Drinking your own urine sounds like a great idea unless you live in Flint, MI in which case you’re getting exposed to lead all over again.
The problem with drinking urine is that the urine that Amazon sells comes from China and there could be supply chain issues.
Will there be a market for high-end urine? Like Olympic Gold Medalist urine? Nobel prize-winning urine? Urine from the guy who lived to be 112? SEAL Team Six urine? Will Harvard urine sell for more than Yale urine? Will there be college urine loyalty? Like if you went to Michigan and someone catches you drinking Ohio State urine…
Do you think that people named Logan think No, That’s Not How You Spell It! every time they see the word login?
Who was the first comedian?
It was the second man to walk upright. Because clearly he was doing an impression mocking the first man to walk upright.
My hope is that the omicron variant comes to NY, can’t find a parking space, and leaves.
If I had even half the problems that the spammers think I have, it’s no wonder they think I need to pay to import a bride. I mean, love-related disfunction AND leaky gutters?
Even worse than having expired condoms is having a whole unopened box of expired condoms.
A fire damaged 75% of a 1.2 million square foot QVC warehouse.
And destroyed $11.59 worth of merchandise.
I dated a pediatrician but when I turned 18 she wouldn’t see me anymore.
And so we resume our annual tradition of pollsters explaining how they weren’t really wrong.
To try for a new start, the Democratic Party is changing its name…
Me, on phone: I’d like to cancel the credit card…
Representative: Cut it in half and throw it out.
Me: This is America. I will either blow it up or blast it with a shotgun.
An advantage of dating women my own age is that I don’t have to do any arithmetic when I see a woman claiming to be three years younger than I am but her profile says she graduated college two years before me.
Some sad news. The inventor of the microwave oven has passed away. He was memorialized in a very rapid funeral and then buried unevenly.
Loved the opening scene from the new James Bond movie during the pandemic when he shows up 50 lbs heavier.
M: Bond, you’re fat.
Bond: Do you expect me to jog?
M: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to diet.
My beauty doesn’t come through in photos. Or in person.
TV cops waste a lot of food. Watching cop shows- they always sit down at a fast food place, get a radio call and throw their meal in the trash.
Yesterday a very attractive woman quite obviously checked me out from head to toe. Told me she liked what she saw, and wants to see me. In a year for another skin cancer exam.
A joke that got me push-back but I think it gets the point across:
If we want to make sure that school kids get vaccinated we should coat bullets with the Pfizer vaccine.
The manager at Stop & Shop didn’t think it was funny when I referred to the store as Slip & Slide.
So I poured olive oil all over aisle six.
Tropical storm Ida dumped a LOT of water on NY but I was okay.
Question from a friend overseas: How are you getting along with Ida?
My response: Oh, we don’t get along at all. She showed up uninvited, only brought water, and then left, taking lots of stuff with her. What a jerk!
I have also resigned as Governor of New York.
During the pandemic I put on 400 lbs. 390 of it on other people.
A series of airline jokes:
Frontier passenger allegedly touched 2 flight attendants breasts, then screamed his parents are worth $2 million, before punching a flight attendant. Frontier suspended the crew for duct taping the passenger to his seat as they landed in Miami. 22 yr old Max Berry is in custody.
What he didn’t say is that he has four parents, each worth a half-million.
If my parents were worth $2 million, well, they love me enough to pay for me to fly on a real airline.
They were suspended because Frontier Airlines can’t afford another roll of duct tape.
I felt SO rich when my mother bought me the 64 pack of crayons.
For my fortieth birthday.
Unfortunately too late for the Olympics gymnastics finals, we discover that nobody can spin like Team Cuomo.
My safe word is grandma. Because if they forget it’s my safe word they’ll still be too creeped out to continue.
An example of a joke that has been misinterpreted:
Headline: “DeSantis Blames COVID Surge on Immigrants, as Florida Hospitals Fill Up”
“We agree,” say Native Americans.
I meant that Native Americans are blaming everyone who came here from elsewhere, starting in 1492. Not that Native Americans are anti (recent) immigrants.
I’m a capitalist so my pronouns are Me and Mine.
Now that I’m old it’s time to get “In-Network Only” tattooed on my forehead.
I ordered a mail-order bride but mail service is so bad that when she arrived she was eighty.
For my birthday my brother gave me a time machine, to replace the one he gave me in 2024.
Amazon has changed its Terms of Service. Previously disputes were settled by arbitration. Now they are settled in the courts. Unfortunately for everyone without a rocket, it’s the District Court of Alpha Centauri.
Those of you congratulating Italian-Americans for the result of a sporting event they had nothing to do with, please remember me the next time a Jewish scientist wins the Nobel Prize for Medicine.
It’s 11 AM. If you hurry there’s still time to catch the 8 AM Time Machine.
A woman’s on-line dating profile says she just completed the 2019 New York Marathon. I don’t know what to say to her.
If you are what you eat then I am way too much.
My parents didn’t put a lot of pressure on me growing up. They said I could go to any medical school I wanted.
What’s the point in being rich if you’re not going to live like a James Bond villain?
Here’s how I know that Bill Gates isn’t putting tracking microchips into free covid vaccines:
Because if he were, there would also be an Apple vaccine and it would cost $400.
NY Times headline: “Suspicious package delivered to Rand Paul’s home is under investigation”
Because as a libertarian he doesn’t understand the concept of someone just giving something to someone else.
I got a call from a colleague: I’m having a show for friends in my back yard. Can you perform for a few minutes? I’m not charging so I can’t pay you anything.
Me: I’ve worked for less.
“You’re a comedian? Tell me a joke.”
“Did I say comedian? I meant to say serial killer.”
I’m setting up a booth: “Hug Someone Who’s Been Vaccinated, $1 for Five Minutes”
Cargo ships have gotten so fat during the pandemic that they can’t even fit through the Suez Canal.
I give great medical advice when people tell me their ailments. I say “Have you tried listening to the random stupid comments from strangers who have no medical training?”
I love that the dating site Bumble lists college graduation year so I can find the women who are so smart that they graduated college the same year I did but they’re six years younger.
Re the murder conviction of Derek Chauvin: Somewhere in the U.S. OJ Simpson is laughing his head off.
Weirdness. I was supposed to meet a few women for drinks a year ago- met online and then had to cancel the dates due to covid. It’s a year later and some of them are now six years older.
Conversation with a woman I met on-line:
Me: I need to cancel our date. Something came up.
Her: What came up?
Me: Your age, by ten years.
I want to marry a princess so I can meet Oprah.
I’m so glad I’m an optimist.
I just did a Zoom show for the Scarsdale High School PTA with two colleagues. I told the audience “Two out of the three of us went to Ivy League schools and this is what we do now. So you might want to rethink spending all that money on SAT tutoring.”
Breaking news: Governor Cuomo just announced that hot women under thirty are now eligible for the covid vaccine.
The NY Times says that when Mexico legalizes marijuana it will become the world’s largest pot market.
I doubt that 128 million Mexicans will be a larger pot market than 40 million Californians.
Sometimes a Zoom party is like you gave all the car keys to a bunch of four year olds and let them drive around the parking lot.
Good thing I proof-read. Texted a colleague “Please check email from me about a paying gig. Shaun”
and autocorrect changed it to “Please check email from me about praying for Shaun.”
Those of you who don’t proofread your texts? Maybe it’s time you did.
Some sad news. The inventor of the cassette tape has passed away at age 94. His family said they plan to flip him over and get another 94 years. And if that doesn’t work they’ll stick a pencil in his ear and spin it.
70% of Americans say they’re snacking more as they’re working from home.
20% are liars and 10% have gotten so fat they can’t get through the kitchen doorway anymore.
Cannibalism is the perfect crime. You eat all the evidence.
If the governor of New York wants to date his subordinates then that should be put into the job description. And we as taxpayers should get to vote on who gets that job. Problem solved.
Help is on the way, Texas. Puerto Rico is sending paper towels.
My father would be 100 years old if he hadn’t passed away six years ago.
I opened the eulogy at his funeral by saying “I first met Sidney when his wife was in the hospital.”
The NFL said they’ll open up all their stadiums as vaccine centers. I want to get mine where the Jets play. They never catch anything.
The reason there’s more covid in the U.S. than in other countries is because they’re all staying 2 meters apart and we’re staying only 6 feet apart.
I heard about a traffic jam on a highway near my house. So I drove there, just to feel like I had somewhere important to go.
The company 23andMe is going public and the founder is suddenly getting hounded by thousands of relatives she didn’t know she had.
I don’t understand math. If you take 24 hours in a day, then subtract 8 hours of sleep, then subtract how much time I spend on the internet, then subtract how much time I spend watching TV, you get a negative number.
President Biden said we’ll vaccinate 350 million Americans. There are only 300 million American adults. Does he plan to let in another 50 million people? Or is cloning the Democrats’ latest weapon to fight voter suppression?
NYC restaurants opened at 25% capacity on Valentine’s Day. So, one person from every other couple?
I sold my space laser to a hedge fund. Adios, GameStop.
A fire at a recycling plant in Passaic, NJ burned out of control for days after the plant owners insisted that the firefighters use the same water over and over again.
I did not expect Trump’s lawyer to melt down faster than Sunday’s snow.
You know who has a tough life? Punxsutawney Phil’s younger brother Punxsutawney Roger. All year he has to listen to his parents brag that their son is the most famous groundhog there is while all Roger does is sit around underground playing video games all day.
Springsteen’s secret DWI arrest before he did a car commercial makes me think that before booking comedians I should ask “Have you ever been arrested for murdering an audience member?”
My hearing is so good I can hear the voices in YOUR head.
The U.K. got most of what it wanted in the Brexit deal but they did have to trade Paul McCartney back to Hamburg, Germany.
Russian airline Aeroflot has announced it will designate specific seats on board its planes for passengers who refuse to wear masks.
You would think that of all businesses, an airline would understand how air works.
There should be one day a year when every single person in the country clicks on every banner ad they see, just to completely mess up all the data collection algorithms.
I can’t believe my First Amendment rights are being so violated. They won’t give me a show on Fox News and The Tonight Show won’t even let me do five minutes at 12:25 AM.
For health reasons NJ is giving vaccine priority to smokers. Doesn’t pretty much everybody who lives in NJ have the lungs of a smoker?
My father told me starting around age 70 that he wasn’t going to live forever. I repeatedly told him that so far all evidence was to the contrary. He lived to 94.
Citi Field will be used for the covid vaccine. Mets owner hoping that 95% success rate will rub off on his team.
All of Donald Trump’s antics are so he can be charged as a juvenile offender.
The sad thing is, Dr. Fauci could have half the women in the country want to sleep with him, but it’s the half that won’t come within six feet of him.
I’ve participated in a Zoom wedding and a Zoom funeral. Can a Zoom childbirth be far behind?
Those “I’m not a robot” captchas are getting more intricate. I just saw one that said “Identify the idiots” with pictures of senators.
Old Jews may appreciate this.
I called my brother, he answered “Happy New Year.” I said “Is this the wise men of Chelm?” He said “There aren’t any.”
I said happy new year, he said happy new year again. I said you’re repeating yourself, clearly you’re from Chelm. He said some people need to be told something more than once.
A wise man indeed.
This is actually what President Trump’s official schedule has said:
“President Trump will work from early in the morning until late in the evening. He will make many calls and have many meetings”
It’s like a six year old wrote what he will be doing when he’s the president.
Trump promised to run America like a business. Unfortunately that business was the villain’s from a 1960s James Bond movie, where everything blows up at the end.
My congressman started his new job January 3rd. How was your first week at work?
Do you think that people named Logan think No, That’s Not How You Spell It! every time they see the word login?
Who was the first comedian?
It was the second man to walk upright. Because clearly he was doing an impression mocking the first man to walk upright.
My hope is that the omicron variant comes to NY, can’t find a parking space, and leaves.
If I had even half the problems that the spammers think I have, it’s no wonder they think I need to pay to import a bride. I mean, erectile disfunction AND leaky gutters?
Even worse than having expired condoms is having a whole unopened box of expired condoms.
A fire damaged 75% of a 1.2 million square foot QVC warehouse.
And destroyed $11.59 worth of merchandise.
I had access to a 3-D printer so I printed myself a new girlfriend.
She’s all plastic.
I named her Ivanka.
When I used to take the train to work there was one house I’d walk past every week that had seven bottles of scotch in their recycling bin. I used to think that was a lot. Now I think they were just ahead of their time.
If the election comes down to whom you’d rather have a beer with, here are your choices:
Kamala Harris shares a lovely bottle of wine with you, from her own cellar,
Mike Pence brings you a glass of milk and makes you pay for the whole bottle (yeah, he insists his milk come in glass bottles because that’s what mother likes)
I googled “Is it okay to drink after a flu shot?” and every single site that came up was Australian.
NY Times headline: “Russians ‘have committed’ to not interfering in elections, the national security adviser insists.”
Also, Lucy commits to holding the football steady for Charlie Brown.
Headline: “Police seize 345,000 used condoms that were sold as new” (in Vietnam)
So stop complaining about YOUR job.
(Two thoughts- the people washing them, and the cop who had to count them all)
When he heard that we’ve been attacked by covid-19, George W. Bush sent the CDC to attack a different virus.
Here’s the Line of Succession: Vice President Speaker of the House President Pro Tempore of the Senate Secretary of State
The My Pillow guy Trump’s wacky doctor back in NYC
Tom Brady Gilligan Stormy Daniels
People who have played the president on TV, in order of ratings, starting with Martin Sheen from West Wing, but they have to stay in character
Stephen Colbert, but as the character from his Comedy Central show
Some stupid with a flare gun who burned the place to the ground in the song “Smoke On The Water”
My eye doctor Steve Rubinstein
Whoever is the tallest Elvis impersonator in Vegas
Whoever is the shortest Elvis impersonator in Vegas, only if he or she is under four feet tall
The most recent female winner of the Coney Island hot dog eating contest
I’m done with sourdough. I’ve moved on to making crystal meth.
My friend says she lives in a building designed by I. M. Pei that has a swimming pool.
I said I once swam in a swimming pool designed by M. C. Escher and nearly drowned.
A marching band large enough to require 76 trombones, properly socially-distanced, would stretch all the way from NYC to Duluth, MN.
Stepped on the scale this morning with mouthwash in my mouth. Who knew that a mouthful of mouthwash weighs twelve pounds?
I started eating an apple a day and my doctor girlfriend broke up with me.
I was just given the Guinness World Record for holding the fewest Guinness World Records.
And then they took it away from me.
Now I hold the world record for the shortest world record.
Talking to my Indian-American neighbors. They were explaining to me the hierarchy of education/careers. Computer science wasn’t that prestigious because it was so common. Then engineer, then PhD, then MD, then at the top was MD-PhD.
I said it was similar in the Jewish community: Banker, Lawyer, PhD, MD, MD-PhD, professional stand-up comedian.
Idiots are suggesting that if enough people get covid-19 then we’ll have herd immunity.
That’s like saying that if 80% of the population gets shot and dies then you probably won’t get shot because people will then be too spread out to shoot each other.
Walking around without a mask is like shooting a gun in the air. And if you think it’s okay to shoot a gun in the air please shoot straight up and stand still for ten seconds.
Ivanka Trump says that the unemployed should find new jobs. Biden will be taking her advice and will start his new job in January.
I just saw an ad that said “Trade up to a Kia.” Who is this ad for, people on broken skateboards?
I have friends who take two minutes to explain why they need to get off the phone right away.
Caller: “I’m sorry, I have the wrong number.”
Me: “No, you have the right number. You’re the wrong person.”
The thinnest book I own is called “Ethics in the Financial Marketplace.”
Youtube says “Believe it or not, your pet’s name is not a secure password” which is why I named my dog eqwro&(^3297HL.
A new study says that housework counts as exercise and lowers rates of heart disease and cancer.
Announcing the opening of Shaun’s Discount Gym- for five dollars a month you can come clean my house. We even provide a shower and towels, which of course you’ll be cleaning at the start of your next workout.
Liquor Store email: We’ve missed you- here’s a discount coupon.
Me: I just bought six cases of wine a month ago and I live alone. Give me another week.
Anybody who wrote a recipe that says “Let cool a half-hour before serving” has much greater faith in humanity than I do.
American Airlines denies eliminating social distancing, says they plan to keep all their aircraft at least six feet apart.
Woody Allen loves Take Your Daughter To Work Day because he can take his daughter to work, then take his wife to lunch.
Who at Chevrolet decided that “Avalanche” was a good name for a vehicle?
Was “Buried Alive” already taken?
I added “Watch More TV” to my to-do list and now I don’t feel so unproductive.
With Trump blaming Obama for not having test kits for the coronavirus I want to point out how poorly President Lincoln prepared the country against the attacks on Pearl Harbor and the World Trade Center.
The most amazing thing about the show Get Smart is that never did we hear Agent 86 say to anyone “Hey, do you have a shoephone charger I could borrow?”
I sent my DNA to 38andMe and it came back that I’m 50% beagle.
Dear Eye Doctor,
There’s something wrong with the new contact lenses you sent me. I can still read the numbers on my scale.
The CDC added six new symptoms to covid-19, including loss of smell, headache and blaming your predecessor.
My stupid health insurance company doesn’t cover Clorox. I have to drink generic bleach.
Students in Detroit are getting free laptops. Trading them for clean drinking water.
At 2:45 I called a friend and said “I’m going to start drinking soon.”
She said “What’s wrong?”
I said “What makes you think anything is wrong?”
Had my solo seder last night. I hid the afikomen but after four cups of wine I have no idea where it is.
I just sent a text to a woman I’ve had a few dates with.
It said “I am going to rock your world. Eventually.”
Headline: “Trade Adviser Warned White House in January of Risks of a Pandemic.”
Maybe he should’ve written it on a cake so Trump would read it.
Help me understand this week on the Christian calendar. We have:
Neglected Middle Child Saturday
If Trump gets re-elected he’s going to blame everything on his predecessor, first-term Donald Trump.
Because of the national emergency, for the next 24 hours I’m going to allow some of you to be wrong on facebook.
McDonald’s just announced the Double Big Mac. Because why wait for a virus to kill you?
If you’re wondering how seriously I’m taking this once-a-century deep cleaning, I just used the canister vacuum to vacuum the dust off the upright vacuum.
I spent $300 on food at Costco, which is equivalent to the entire contents of a NYC bodega, minus the cat.
I think I’m going to write a memoir, called “Wow The Floor Under My Fridge Was Dirty, and other tales from sheltering-at-home”
I don’t understand why a bunch of young people who ignore each other when they get together because they’re just staring at their phones are so upset they’re being asked to do that at home.
Was cleaning up my office, ran across a paper I wrote for my graduate seminar in public policy analysis:
“A Criminal’s Application of Game Theory, or How Not To Rob A Liquor Store.”
I plan to re-read it, just because, well, in case things get really bad…
Why does Trump keep saying we’re going to win against the virus? Obviously he doesn’t know what winning is. This is what happens when you give participation trophies to presidents.
I have enough Purell to safely sleep with Paris Hilton.
I don’t understand how Jeff Bezos is richer than the person who sells receipt paper to CVS.
My friend took me to what he said was an escape room. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet.
C-Date, the new on-line dating site for coronavirus victims.
One Saturday night in February I was working with a comedian who explained to the audience that he brought his phone on stage because his wife was due to give birth.
I took the stage after him and explained that I wanted him to finish his set, so before he went on stage I put his phone in Airplane Mode.
Trump thinks that if he pardons enough people, one of them might become president and pardon him.
Frequently Asked Questions about the Corona Virus:
Can I catch it on the subway if someone next to me has it and knifes me?
Why is it called Corona? Is it because of the beer?
Yes, the beer and the virus have similar fatality rates and the beer tastes somewhat like phlegm.
Do I have to fear Chinese people?
What kind of a stupid, racist question is that?
I thought you’d have a snappy answer about taking the SATs.
That’s also bigoted, albeit a positive stereotype.
Should I get a flu shot?
Yes, you should’ve gotten it in November, dufus.
I used to meet women in the summer by saying “Hi, I have central air conditioning.”
Now it’s “I have two liters of Purell.”
Mary Higgins Clark is dead. I feel so sorry for the detective who has to investigate.
In New Zealand I spent ten minutes standing and watching a cricket match, which means I spent ten minutes doing nothing, watching 22 other people standing and doing nothing.
I’m used to bad transcription from google for voicemail messages but this one is creepy:
Hello, please don’t hang up. We’ve called numerous times to verify your business with Google. Our records show that your business is not verified, press one now, so we can verify your business with God.
Behind every successful person are fifty jerks who think they’re being helpful by explaining why the idea won’t work.
Fun facts about New Zealand:
They drive on the left. Americans drive on the right. Americans driving in NZ also sometimes drive on the right but since there’s not much traffic there aren’t that many crashes.
Skin cancer deaths in NZ roughly equal traffic fatalities. In America the skin cancer death rate is much lower even though we have a lot more skin than New Zealanders.
In NZ restaurants you pay at the register- you don’t need to wait for your check because there’s no gratuity. Faster, simpler and probably easier to dine-and-dash.
Contrary to popular opinion toilets there don’t flush the other way. Even though they’re upside-down, when you flush a toilet the water still goes down, not up.
When they apologize for any inconvenience, with their accent it almost sounds like they mean it.
I’m not wearing a surgical mask because I’m worried about coronavirus. I’m wearing it because I want people to think I’m a surgeon.
Conversation with a Chinese-looking stranger at hotel breakfast buffet as he kindly stepped out of my way:
Shyeh Shyeh (thank you in Mandarin)
I’m Japanese (in American accented English).
I also speak English.
So you’re saying we’re in America, speak English?
Thought of the Day:
Canada is America’s little sister. They’re the Lisa to America which is Bart Simpson.
And England is Maggie the toddler. Every time she takes a few steps forward she falls on her face.
Marie Kondo threw me out.
It’s 2020 but I’m still writing “Year of the Impeachment” on my checks.
I signed up to drive for Uber. Not for the money- it seemed like the easiest way to get my friends with day jobs to stop asking me for rides to the airport.
Boeing’s CEO was just fired. He said he’s looking forward to spending more time with his family- but only the local ones, not the ones he’d have to fly to visit.
I didn’t think you could carry a couch on a motorcycle. Then I went to Thailand.
And there was a family sitting on it.
“I have to put on pants now and go to my show.”
-A common thing comedians say to themselves frequently around 7 or 8 PM.
My conversation with Al Franken on December 31st:
Me: Senator, there was the Al Franken Decade. Then the next decade you gave to your son. A new decade starts in a few hours. May I have it?
Al: No, because I have claimed the entire millennium.
Me: Could you carve out one decade for me?
Me: Okay, may I have the next millennium?
Al: Sure, why not?
So there you have it- starting in the year 3000 I have my own millennium!
Flight instructor: What does four white lights to the left of the runway mean when you’re landing?
Student: It means you’ve smoked too much weed.
Instructor: No, it’s a Precision Approach Path Indicator. It means you’re too high.
Student: That’s what I said.
(me, standing near the docks in Wellington, NZ)
NZ Woman: It’s windy today.
Me: This is normal for Wellington.
Her: No it’s not.
Me: Wellington is the windiest capital in the world.
Her: Yes it is, and we’re very proud of that.
Me: Then you’re nuts.
Her: That we are.
My opening joke on new year’s eve:
If you don’t follow me on facebook and you’re wondering why I’m limping, nine days ago I was bitten by a cobra in northern Thailand. And if you do follow me on facebook, shut up about my sprained ankle.
(turns out it’s a broken tibia but I’ll be okay- this is far from the worst thing that happens to people visiting Thailand)
A French guy just bought Tiffany’s. The entire company.
So the rest of you husbands are just gonna have to try a little harder.
It’s fun to see the same woman on different dating apps with different ages. I figure the real age is the spread between highest and lowest added to the highest.
In New Orleans I said the most New Yorky New Orleans thing possible:
“How is the gator prepared?”
(the answer, obviously, was “fried”)
If you wave to your shadow it waves back.
I bought a Porsche. It goes from zero to mid-life crisis in four seconds.
For a joke I’m working on I typed “On-line quiz Are you” into google and it auto-filled “a psychopath.”
And that was actually what I was looking for.
October was Depression Awareness Month, which my health insurance company decided to tell me about on the 28th.
Facebook ad: “A quarter goes a long way with our 25 cent wings.”
Dude, it’s one wing.
Halloween conversation amongst chickens:
Chicken 1 (bragging): Famous chefs use my eggs for their own breakfasts.
Chicken 2: Well my eggs are used to make the finest desserts.
Chicken 3: My eggs are used to egg Mitch McConnell’s house.
Chicken 1 and Chicken 2: You win.
Trump said that if you’re not guilty you don’t need a lawyer.
Trump’s lawyer has a lawyer.
I think I got taken. I just paid a guy fifty bucks to tune my air guitar.
Our country is very divided on the proper pronunciation of the word divisive.
Two people from Germany in the audience. I ask “Where in Germany are you from?”
(pause, then) “Next to Hamburg.”
“That would be the bun? Or ketchup?”
A silly joke that got laughs. Even Hamburgers eat hamburgers.
I was a judge at a water-tasting. In between samples they had me cleanse my palate with wine.
You’ve heard about e-cigs? Apple is introducing the i-cig. Though it looks a little cooler it’s pretty much the same as an e-cig but it costs twice as much and the battery lasts only half as long.
When Donald Trump is put on trial it will be the first time in history that everybody shows up for jury duty.
How can we trust robots to drive cars when they can’t even figure out how to check the “I’m not a robot” box?
“Shareholder Value Is No Longer Everything, Top C.E.O.s Say”
Let me rewrite that for you:
Shareholder Value Is No Longer Everything, Say Top C.E.O.s who enrich themselves with shareholder money.
Things not to text your flight instructor:
I’ll be a little late. Had trouble opening the cap on my morning whiskey.
If I ever have to go into the hospital would someone please write “In-Network Only” on my forehead with an indelible ink pen? That way if someone tries to bill me for an out-of-network doctor I can say “It was written on my face!”
If Mexico won’t pay for our wall, maybe they could at least enact sensible gun legislation for us.
facebook is starting a dating app.
It’s bad enough when women on dating sites post pictures of themselves from ten years ago. Now I gotta look at photos of what they had for dinner ten years ago?
NYTimes headline: “Driverless Cars Arrive in New York City”
We’ve had driverless cars in NYC for years- have you ever taken a taxi at 3 AM? Pretty much nobody’s driving them.
Here’s what makes America great:
There was a company that made helicopter components. Its founder was a guitarist who had an idea for a different guitar design. So he got his company making guitars as well.
Yes, there’s a company in the guitar and helicopter business.
I bought their stock. At some point I sold my investment at a nice profit.
What saddens me? I just found out that they sold their guitar division and now they’re just a boring helicopter components company.
“If it doesn’t bring you joy, get rid of it.”
So I buried my landlord.
Go back where I came from? No way! My ancestors worked really hard to get the heck out of Brooklyn!
I ate everything in my fridge because it was the easiest way to clean it.
Saudi Arabia is now letting women leave the house without a male escort. They can even go to movies released by studios like Disney and Fifteenth Century Fox.
“Ryanair tells staff it has 900 more pilots and crew than needed”
Introduces new “Fly It Yourself, You Cheap Bastards” Fare.
I think we’re about four tweets away from Trump suggesting we bring back slavery.
When people tell me they’re back in the saddle I sometimes identify with the horse.
Swiss supermarkets have an entire aisle of chocolate, the way American supermarkets have an entire aisle of soda.
I’m putting lunar panels on my roof so I get free electricity at night.
NY Times headline: N.R.A. Shuts Down Production of NRATV
You can have my TV production when you pry it from my cold, dead… uh oh.
The Electoral College just gave the World Cup to The Netherlands.
Did fake bone spurs keep Trump out of history class too?
“One if by land, two if by sea, three if by air.”
Paul Revere, as taught at Trump University.
A magician gave me his business card but when I took it out later it was a piece of cheese.
I wrote to my college commencement speaker to let her know that it’s not too late for her to pay off my student loans.
Hey Alabama, you’ve got it backwards.
All the problems on earth are caused by people.
You should ban childbirth.
My satirical piece “Sex, My Yelp Review” is here:
“With the tariffs on China, please do what you can to help American farmers.”
OMG, I’m an American. I’m ALREADY eating as much as I can!
When I was on a federal grand jury the prosecutors would run the names of defendants and witnesses by us, in case we wanted to recuse ourselves (legally they couldn’t kick us out- it was up to us as individuals).
The prosecutor read some names, slowly. One was something like Juan Gonzales. Nobody said anything. I started laughing.
They wanted to know what was so funny. They thought I found the name itself funny. Nope.
I said there’s eight Hispanic people here, plus a bunch of other people from northern Manhattan and The Bronx where there are a lot of Hispanic people.
And nobody knows ANYBODY named Juan Gonzales? I’m not even Irish and I know nine Kevin Murphys!
The show “Get Smart” is so fake! You never saw Agent 86 ask anyone if they had a charger for a shoe phone.
If fetuses are people then every woman of child-bearing age is going to start driving in the carpool lane.
For all of you who couldn’t finish reading the Mueller Report, don’t worry. In about two years there will be a (more interesting) sequel and a TV version.
When I was in Texas someone apparently wanting to know my denomination asked “What kind of Christian are you?”
I said “I’m kind of the Jesus kind” which they thought was a properly religious, strive-to-be-good, answer.
I meant because I’m Jewish.
Every stick is a boomerang if it’s windy enough.
Little-known fact: UPS gets 40% of its revenue from people shipping back their ex-lover’s stuff so they don’t have to see them again.
Given the cost of toner and ink: I wonder what the effect on the U.S. GDP and the environment is by having the Mueller Report’s redactions be in black instead of white?
Standing outside a NYC bar with a blind friend, his seeing-eye dog and others, holding a drink (me, not the dog).
Cops roll up. I quickly hand my drink to my blind friend. “Hold this.”
Cop: You can’t bring drinks outside the bar.
Blind friend: I’m outside?
I played the Mueller Report Drinking Game- for every redaction you take a drink and then go register a voter.
“Mommy, make the other children stop being mean to me.”
“They’re not children, it’s in the Constitution, plus you started it and I’m not your mommy, I’m the chief justice of the United States Supreme Court.”
I doubled my gas mileage by taking the stack of Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons out of my car.
This just in- Felicity Huffman is now referring to the bribe she paid to get her kid into college as congestion pricing.
I just wrote a 3 minute Bed, Bath & Beyond joke. But with a coupon it’s 2 minutes, 24 seconds.
My latest theory: If you shoplift from the Spy Museum and you don’t get caught, then it’s not stealing.
Why does linkedin think I should congratulate someone for being at a job for a year? Do they think so little of my friends, that they can’t hold down a job?
Will Trump’s replacement for Obamacare cover windmill cancer?
New happiness survey results. Happiest country: Finland. America ranked fifteenth.
Least happy country? Third Mexico.
I’m often asked- what’s the hardest part of being a comedian? Is it writing, or performing? No, it’s when I tell someone I’m a comedian and they say “A comedian? Are you serious?” I don’t know how to answer that question.
The biggest challenge sometimes is dealing with someone who’s offended by a joke, especially when it’s at a show marketed as clean. Every joke has a victim because every joke makes fun of something. Sometimes it’s myself, but not always. There are two common reasons people are offended, and they’re both kind of wrong.
The first is when they just don’t like the topic of the joke. If it’s about a crime or political issue that makes them uncomfortable they won’t like the joke, even if it supports their point of view.
The second is when they completely misunderstand what the joke is actually making fun of. Here’s an example: https://youtu.be/6mdR_zZ-vyI
If this joke offends you in any way, or you have a question, write back and I’ll tell you what the problem is. (I can’t put it here because it’d be a spoiler)
I think I need to have a kid so I have something else to curse at besides my microwave.
If the Mueller Report reminds people that Trump eats fried chicken with a knife and fork, that’s enough reason to indict him.
Had dinner last night with a dozen high school classmates. We were wondering who’s the richest among our graduating class, which includes a former tech COO, a top Hollywood writer and who knows how many investment bankers.
I said “I am. Because I have enough.”
Just so we’re clear:
My father went to City College on the GI Bill. My mother went to Brooklyn College on the “It didn’t cost anything back then” deal. My brother Seth got into Harvard because he’s smart. My brother Scott went to Yale because Harvard figured one of us was enough. And I got into Penn on a beauty scholarship.
It’s 60 degrees in L.A. and when they find out I’m from NY everyone apologizes to me for the weather.
The Oscar for Best Picture was won by the New England Patriots.
How did that happen?
Had a dream I had quintuplets. Went to register them for kindergarten. When the principal saw five of them he said “Wow, five of them at once” and one of the kids stood up straight and said “That’s what happens when you’re conceived in the bathroom at Costco.”
Waiting to board my flight I was in boarding group D. I don’t think there’s really a group E. They just pretend there is so the group D people don’t feel like they’re the last ones picked for the team.
I just learned that the NJ flag has a horse’s head on it.
Not a horse. A horse’s head.
NJ makes you an offer you can’t refuse.
With all this evolution you think we’d have developed eyes on the top of our heads so we’d stop banging our heads into stuff.
A short clip from a recent show in Sellersville, PA- it helps to know the local geography when talking to the audience!
https://youtu.be/WLuBME_Zi1c (note- contains a bit of profanity)
If not getting your way is an emergency then when I was a kid my mother was wrong about a lot of things.
If you deliver babies you’re an obstetrician. If you deliver adults you’re a cab driver.
On Saturday I attended the birthday party roast of a blind comedian colleague.
It was a little raunchy. If you want to read a bit about it, click here:
Howard Schultz’s campaign slogan:
“Because a billionaire businessman with no political experience is just what America needs.”
I wish I had this on video- last year I was doing a show in a small town in Pennsylvania. A couple in the front started chatting in Russian. I said we have to keep this to English because the only two things I can say in Russian are Yes and Goodbye.
At the end of the show I was on stage with my colleagues as we took questions from the audience. The Russian-speaking couple got up to leave. Someone in the audience yelled that I should say something to them.
I said Dosvedaniya.
So glad I’m fluent in Russian!
Persistent car rental clerk: I strongly recommend you get the extra insurance.
Me: Does your parking lot have those “severe tire damage” spikes?
Me: Okay, always been curious about those- I’ll take the insurance.
I bought a knife skills book but it turned out to be all about cutting food. What the heck?
It just occurred to me that given all my material about dating, I should be taking my match dot com subscription as a business expense.
Trump denies working for Russia.
You mean he committed all that treason for FREE?
Some businessman he turned out to be!
Screw you, romaine lettuce. I’m American- I get my e-coli from MEAT.
24 employees at an Amazon warehouse were sickened by a noxious chemical.
Fortunately some of them have Amazon Prime, so the ambulance will arrive by tomorrow.
A few years ago a Nobel Prize winning economist was asked what he was doing with the prize money and he said half goes to his ex-wife, since she insisted on putting that into their divorce agreement.
The next year, because of that, SHE won the Nobel Prize in economics.
The Boy Scouts of America may be filing for bankruptcy.
On the positive side 10,000 scouts may earn their merit badges in Financial Mismanagement.
Mexico can build Home Depots on the border faster than we can build a wall. HD sells shovels and ladders.
Wise thought of the month: I don’t care if my glass is half-full or half-empty because glasses are refillable.
Typical financial news headline:
Man who got one prediction right is now predicting something else.
When asked what how he likes Santa’s reindeer, Trump said “Well done, with lots of ketchup, please.”
Just kidding- Trump never says please.
I thought I wanted a serious girlfriend but now I realize I want a hilarious girlfriend.
A woman stuck a head of romaine lettuce in my face and said “e-coli: Give me all your money.”
Conversation with potential client I’m pitching a comedy show to:
Client: We had a comedian thirty years ago. He offended some people so we can’t have any more comedians.
Me: You served food thirty years ago. If someone got food poisoning would you never serve food again? Or would you just pick a different caterer?
It’s not that I want the government to shut down. I want it to shut up.
I took a DNA test and it turns out that I’m Woody Allen’s daughter.
Actually my brother ran our family’s DNA. As we expected, we’re 94% Ashkenazi Jew and 6% knish.
In my life I’ve been very good at talking people out of beating me up. Which has been necessary since quite often I’ve talked my way into people wanting to beat me up.
My contract doesn’t allow meals during my show. Usually I perform after the dinner. Tonight at a synagogue they had dinner after the show, but put the food on tables near the stage before the show. I said “I’ve been fortunate to work with great comedians. I’ve worked with Jerry Seinfeld. I’ve worked with Jim Gaffigan. Tonight is my first time being the opening act for cole slaw.”
New Yorkers- please vote yes on Proposition 117, which allows you, if someone says “I literally died,” to kill them.
Come-back to a heckler on Oct 31st:
“It’s Halloween. I’m just DRESSED like someone who gives a damn what you have to say.”
“Are you okay? Is that blood?”
“No, it’s red printer ink that spilled on me.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“Don’t you know how much printer ink costs?”
When I die I don’t want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered someplace I love.
I want my ashes thrown in the eyes of my enemies.
A charity sent me a calendar in the mail. Not as stupid as it sounds. It was a 1998 calendar.
If you’re an attorney and your middle initial is V every time you write your name it looks like you’re suing yourself.
There’s no five second rule with lovers. Once you drop them, they’re dropped.
Starbucks is allowing people to pay with Bitcoin, or as they’re calling it, Bartcoim.
I just learned four new languages because it was less annoying than reading movie subtitles.
You don’t want to own a swimming pool, because they’re too much work. What you want is for your best friend to have a swimming pool. And some other things.
I call this the swimming pool, boat, beach house and hot sister rule.
“We’ll keep your information secret unless someone pays us a tenth of a penny for it.”
Ladies love me. Especially lady mosquitoes.
A 404 error is really creepy in German.
(actually it’s Nein Nein Nein)
We were so poor when I was a kid that I wasn’t allowed to eat Tide Pods. I had to eat generic laundry detergent.
I’m waiting for a Jewish super-hero movie “SuperSidney, CPA” who brings down the head of an evil corporation with just a pencil.
I think I spend too much time with my DVR.
Went on a date. Tried to fast-forward.
I thought this was silly but people like it:
I have a friend who’s half Iranian and half Norwegian. Trump is trying to deport her six months a year.
It was just reported that George Clooney once gave a million dollars to his fourteen best friends. This might help explain why George Clooney has fourteen best friends… and you don’t.
Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana-themed resort.
Man, how scary is Mike Tyson with the munchies?
The new tax law will help millions of people. Technically true since the Supreme Court ruled that oil companies and banks are people.
Trump is slowly digging his own grave. The reason it’s taking so long is that he’s using his cell phone as a shovel.
French bank BNP Paribas said it will no longer do business with tobacco companies because they don’t want to work with unethical, socially irresponsible businesses.
In response, tobacco companies said “Hey, that never stopped us from doing business with banks!”
I plan to spend all day making my house spotless, which is more work than you might imagine because I have polka-dot wallpaper.
Frontier Airlines plans to triple in size over the next decade. Not with more planes or flights, just cramming in three times as many people every flight.
My spam folder had an email claiming to be from Mrs. Melania Trump.
Turns out it wasn’t spam- she knows I’m a boater and she was writing to ask which is the best knot to use to tie bed sheets together.
Some sad news: The scientist who discovered REM sleep has died.
Or as it’s being reported, he’s in even deeper sleep.
In NJ yesterday a woman robbed a bank and used a taxi as her get-away car.
How many stars do you give THAT Uber driver?
A kid dressed as 404 error came to my door. Should I have given him an empty bag of candy?
I had a dream that the Russians hacked into my dream.
So maybe they did.
Here’s what I have learned from the Equifax breach: The average American’s identity is worth more than the average American.
I miss the good old days, when we could be outraged by petty stuff like the Octomom..
You think the horse with no name really had no name? Or did the guy just not know it?
“Stop calling me Horse. My name is Bernard.”
Meth-laced bottles of 7-Up were found in Mexico.
They’re being recalled and relabeled Jolt Cola.
I don’t know which is worse- finding out that your date lied and that she has four kids under 10 at home, or that she had four kids under 10 in her profile photos but they’re all in their forties now.
Saw a new dentist. On the intake form under “Name” it said “How would you like to be addressed?”
I wrote “Patient who gets 50% discount.”
Woodward & Bernstein are writing a sequel called “All The President’s Children”
A conversation yesterday morning:
“Oh, that’s an organic restaurant now. They’re VERY organic.”
Me: “They sell only rocks.”
I googled “12 step program for internet addiction” and it was no help at all.
Librarian: Your card’s expired. Try to use the card at least once a year to keep it active. Why don’t you come to the library more often?
Me: I’ve been blessed with the ability to actually pay for things.
Newark Airport’s Terminal A is being renovated so in the future it will be able to handle 50% more passengers.
Or more likely, the same number of passengers who are 50% bigger.
My conversation with someone I had just met.
“Comedians aren’t rock stars. There are no comedians who could sell out Yankee Stadium.”
“A half-dozen comedians could.”
“Louis CK. Dane Cook. Amy Schumer. Jerry Seinfeld. Aziz Ansari.”
“That’s only five. Name one more.”
“Bill Cosby could sell out Yankee Stadium?”
“He could on Bat Day.”
Real estate’s so expensive in NY that on Tinder you might have better luck posting photos of your apartment.
For Mothers’ Day America wishes you 78% of the happiness that we wish fathers for Fathers’ Day.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack was paid a dollar.
Jill? 87 cents.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown.
Pre-existing condition- now his insurance is $8700/month.
I went to the P.T. Barnum Museum. Paid the $25 entry fee, walked through the door and found myself back outside.
News flash: For every 50 miles of border wall, a new Home Depot opens on the Mexico side.
FYI they sell ladders, shovels and rope.
“Point of view” matters!
I was at a lecture where a Beatles expert said that Revolver was the first Beatles album that had only one love song.
I said that if you look at it from the point of view of the government, “Tax Man” is a love song.
Earlier this week at a showcase (2 comedians, 7 musical groups) the other comedian said that stand-up comedy is the hardest of all the performing arts. I said I think the guy who gets shot out of a cannon has a pretty tough job.
I think I gain weight from the food I dream about eating.
I saved several hours by not buying and reading “Time Management For Dummies.”
When President-Elect Trump finds out how much debt he’s about to inherit he’s going to wish he’d signed a prenup before running.
I saw an article titled “Four Ways To Avoid Running Out Of Money In Retirement” and not one of them was “Die earlier.”
On Halloween an older kid came to the door dressed as a postal worker. But she refused candy, just handed me a bunch of envelopes and walked away. Weird.
NYC is a place where if you’re on the subway and you hear a woman yell “Don’t lick me!” you think “Well, maybe, just maybe, she’s with a small child.”
Trump is backtracking on his stance on immigration. He’ll still build a wall, but only waist-high.
Is Trump also going to get Mexico to pay for all the WD40 to make the wall too slippery to climb with suction cups?
Donald Trump was very disappointed to learn that Olympic Fencing doesn’t mean the best people in the world at building really big fences.
I’m a vegetarian so I eat only things made from fruits, vegetables and grain. Like cows.
In Australia I ordered a pineapple upside-down cake and they just brought me pineapple cake.
“I’m a vegetarian but I do eat fish.” = “I’m not a murderer but I do kill people named Stanley.”
Thought I’d be safe after 15 years of self-defense training. Until I was mugged by my karate instructor.
One reason the French are so thin: Their word for snack is three syllables long. By the time you finish saying it you’ve lost three pounds and you’re no longer hungry.
My favorite new joke, from all I’ve written lately. I think it describes New Yorkers perfectly:
My neighbor’s an arsonist, but if you ask him what he does for a living he says he’s in real estate.
“FDA Warns Whole Foods of ‘Serious Violations’ After Inspections”
Store to change its name to “Mostly Food, Some Salmonella”
Me: Are you familiar with the expression ‘mansplaining’?
Her: Um, yeah, you’re doing it now.
Because of Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation I can accurately say that all women are attracted to me.
It’s mildly distressing to discover that when women I’ve dated said they wanted to take me home and tear my clothes off it was mostly because they didn’t like how I was dressed.
An American Airlines flight from Detroit to Philadelphia was cancelled after authorities discovered that the co-pilot was drunk.
Upon hearing the news passengers were upset at the cancellation, saying it was still worth the risk in order to leave Detroit.
(at a wine-tasting with people from the very ritzy town of Greenwich, CT)
We drove here in very expensive cars.
I’ll bet I came here in a more expensive vehicle than you did.
Bet you didn’t. I drove a Benz. My friend in a Maybach.
I came here by train.
I was at a conference and the presenter said that Comcast now has software that can tell whether a caller to customer service is angry- and then route that person’s call to a specialist trained to deal with angry customers.
I said I refuse to believe that anyone calling Comcast ISN’T angry.
Saw a banner ad: “Eat this, never diet again!”
I clicked on it; it was cyanide.
My most successful pick-up line for meeting unknown women in bars in NYC is simply “Tell me about your cats.”
And if she says she doesn’t have cats, “Sorry, I meant yoga.”
NY Times Headline: “In Other Countries, You’re as Likely to Be Killed by a Falling Object as by a Gun”
If we’ve learned nothing else from watching Wile E. Coyote, it’s this: We Need To Regulate And Possibly Outlaw Anvils.
For anybody who’s wondering what wine goes best with presidential debates, here’s my expert opinion:
Whatever you can afford to drink LOTS OF.
I went to see the Steve Jobs movie, and half-way through the projector ran out of power.
NY Times Sports Headline: “Ex-Assistant to Dodgers Pitcher Accused of Stealing His Boat”
Immediately hired by the Pirates.
A doctor, upon finding out what I do for a living, asked if I were funny.
I asked him “Do many of your patients live?”
Whoever invented the nap was a genius- and clearly naps didn’t negatively affect his productivity.
The CEO of Ashley Madison lost his job, after his company caught him running other companies at the same time.
Michigan spent $10 million to build a simulated city to test self-driving cars.
Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just buy Detroit?
When I applied for the trademark on “Brain Champagne” I received a letter from the French Government instructing me to withdraw my application, lest someone confuse my jokes with their wine.
I answered the only way a comedian should.
My response is here: https://brainchampagne.com/comedy/brainchampagnetrademarkletter.pdf
Texas just passed a law allowing students to carry guns to college.
Let’s see, spend several thousand dollars on textbooks, or buy one handgun and you’re an A student for four years.
The woman who’s married to ten men at the same time failed to show up in court. Her lawyer said “Your honor, please go easy on her, she’s on her honeymoon.”
You want a short joke you can tell your friends? Here, this is mine and it’s free, go ahead:
24 year old Starbucks employee hit by a car, dies. Goes to heaven. Says “God, why am I here?”
God says “So NOW it’s God? For three years you’ve been writing ‘Gil’ on my cup.”
The NSA knows that I call my mother every day.
More importantly they know that my brother doesn’t.
I went running this morning. A small child pointed to me and asked his mother “What’s that man running from?”
(there were no answers I could think of that wouldn’t scare a 3 year old, so I said “Student Loan Officer”)
A California man, 95, set the world record as the oldest active pilot.
Also setting the record for having the world’s most frightened passengers.
For those of you wondering about the eulogy I gave at my father’s funeral:
I opened with “I first met Sidney when his wife was in the hospital.”
Legislators in Tennessee voted to make the Bible the official state book.
I’m very offended!
Couldn’t they find a book written by AN AMERICAN?
Went to the 99 cent store during an earthquake. Bought a lot of things for 66 cents.
An employee at a Home Depot in Manhattan shot another employee.
Great, the ONE TIME there are actually two employees in the same aisle…
The ex-wife of oil billionaire Harold Hamm cashed a $975 million settlement check. How many forms of ID did that bank ask for?
Honda is introducing a new vehicle powered by hydrogen. Kia is introducing a new car powered by a tow truck.
The economy’s better yet more people are depressed. But there’s a simple, easy way to cut down on depression:
Stop Putting Calorie Information On Junk Food!
Verizon is thinking about buying AOL. Or as you might think of it, the 1980’s is buying the 1990’s.
I don’t think it’s fair that they won’t let me adopt a highway because I’m not married.
I rolled my clock back an hour and my iPhone 6 turned into an iPhone 5.
Dear woman on okcupid who thought that ‘fun gal’ would be a good user name, they don’t allow spaces in user names so you’re ‘fungal’- did it not occur to you that this is a bad idea?
I’m twice the man my father ever was. By weight.
New York Times headline: New York Times Plans to Eliminate 100 Jobs in the Newsro
My favorite feature of the new iPhone 6 is that when someone near you pulls out an iPhone 5 your phone starts laughing at it.
A brewery in Texas has just started selling 99-packs of beer. A 99 pack of beer, or as Mel Gibson calls it, breakfast.
Speaking to a yacht club manager about a show- he said he didn’t think he could afford me. I said “You’ve got Yacht in your name. I drive a Honda. I think you can afford me.”
The real reason we won World War II is that in 1943 German scientist Fritz von Snooze invented the Snooze Alarm.
Health workers have detected polio virus in the Brazilian sewer system.
So stop complaining about YOUR job.
Whole Foods was fined $800,000 by the State of California for overcharging customers. $800,000, or as Whole Foods calls it, 3 apples and an avocado.
Sonic and Chili’s are asking people to keep guns out of their restaurants. No problem, say gun owners who’ve tasted their food.
The trouble with the dating pool in NY is that there seems to be only a shallow end.
Met a woman who rowed solo across three oceans. Biggest challenge? Halfway across the Atlantic she ran out of coffee.
Then she looked up, and there was a Starbucks.
Financial firm Cantor, Fitzgerald settled a lawsuit against American Airlines for $135 million. Then six Cantor executives checked their bags and American got its $135 million back.
Now that you can use cell phones on airplanes they’ve had to rename Airplane Mode. They’re now calling it Shut Up You’re At A Funeral mode.
A man in upstate NY is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the largest video game collection. He also holds the record for having the fewest number of second dates.
Scientists are close to inventing a pill that cures addiction. Unfortunately you have to take it every single day for the rest of your life.
President Obama said he’s not worried about his daughters dating because they are “very sensible.”
In fact they’re so sensible they never even considered signing up for Obamacare.
Mikhail Kalashnikov, who invented the AK-47 assault rifle, died today at age 94. ER doctors said they could’ve saved him but they were too busy treating gunshot victims.
Archeologists unearthing an ancient temple are now saying that Buddha was born centuries earlier than previously thought. What’s this world coming to, when even The Enlightened One has been lying about his age?
The FAA is considering allowing people to use cell phones on airplanes. But to make it more palatable they’re also lifting the restriction on handguns.
So the mayor of Toronto used crack. So what? I know it’s really bad for you, but he’s Canadian. He’s got health care!
A new archeological discovery is questioning beliefs as to exactly when Buddha was born. We may have Buddha’s birthday wrong. When he heard about it Jesus said Hey, can we change mine too? Being born on Christmas means I’ve only been getting half the presents.
Archeologists unearthing an ancient temple are now saying that Buddha was born centuries earlier than previously believed. Buddha’s much older than we thought. It’s what I’ve been saying- yoga really does make you look younger!
A Florida congressman was arrested for possession of cocaine. The Republican Party is calling on him to resign, and the mayor of Toronto called him an idiot, explaining that if you smoke it fast enough they can’t arrest you for possessing it.
Scientists are now saying that the morning-after birth control pill may not be effective for very overweight women. They suggest that if obese women want to avoid getting pregnant they should just install brighter lighting.
After over 100 years New York City’s Santa march has been cancelled. Now if you want to see lots of fat people walking up Fifth Avenue, well, you just have to go to Fifth Avenue.
A thief brandishing a silver handgun stole $60,000 from a Whole Foods in Manhattan. $60,000, or as the manager of Whole Foods called it, a bag of heirloom tomatoes.
In a strange ironic twist the NYC Columbus Day Parade was supposed to march up Fifth Avenue but they got confused and ended up in Chinatown.
New poll says that only 10% of Native Americans are offended by the name Washington Redskins. 85% of New Yorkers offended by the NY Giants.
And some jokes that I think are glaringly obvious to any comedy writer:
The Boston Red Sox won the World Series, their first win at home since 1918. To give you an idea how long ago that was, Alaska and Hawaii weren’t yet states, Mexicans still lived in Mexico and Larry King was still on his first wife.
Border Patrol agents shut down a tunnel between Mexico and San Diego. They said the tunnel was used by smugglers to move drugs northward, and by California Mexicans heading back home to flee Obamacare.
A woman in California was ticketed for driving while wearing google glasses. She was charged with speeding and looking really stupid.
Well, google glasses may have a lot of features, but apparently a radar detector isn’t one of them.
A new book says that the Obama team considered replacing Joe Biden with Hillary Clinton in the 2012 elections. No explanation given why they didn’t consider replacing Obama.
Health & Human Services Secretary Sebelius has testified that the Obamacare website never actually crashed. She also testified that the NSA isn’t spying on people, taxes are fair and that Obama’s approval rating is 86%.
Lindsay Lohan’s mother Dina Lohan was arrested on Thursday for driving while intoxicated. But authorities let her go because when she’s driving drunk she’s much less of a menace to society than when she’s parenting.
The U.S. and Cuba are discussing introducing direct mail services between the two countries. Now all over Cuba people are asking: Just how many pesos is it to mail yourself to Florida?
A California law student is suing his school after he was forced to retake a class he had failed. And then, for initiating a clearly frivolous lawsuit, he was given an A+.
If the government shuts down isn’t that pretty much the same thing as legalizing marijuana?
Syria is promising to give up all its chemical weapons. No word on whether Taco Bell will follow suit.
It was revealed that Pope Francis has been spontaneously calling Catholics to comfort them, earning the nickname the “Cold Call Pope.” He’s also apparently convinced many of them to switch to Sprint, get their carpets cleaned and sign up with DirecTV.
A new company is charging $105,000 for luxury jet trips around the world. That’s in first class. In coach you’re just going from NY to Chicago- the long way.
The new Apple iPhone uses a fingerprint scanner so nobody but you can unlock your phone and read your texts. Apple calls the new phone the 5s but cheating husbands call it The Blessing.
On Tuesday President Obama said that the U.S. had a moral responsibility to conduct a military strike on Syria but that he would hold off and give diplomacy a chance to work. He also said that he has a moral responsibility to make sure that every American has a job, but he’s holding off on that one too.
A new report shows that last year airlines collected more than $27 billion in extra fees. Airline experts expect that number to more than double next year, when Continental debuts its new “We’ll try not to seat you next to a fat guy” fee.
According to a new study, Mount McKinley is not as tall as once thought, it’s only 20,237 feet, not the 20,320 feet it’s listed at on maps. Or the 23,000 feet tall it claims to be on match dot com.
Many Americans changed their opinions on Syria after learning that it has over 1000 metric tons of chemical weapons. Now 80% of Americans say that we should bomb Syria for forcing us to learn more about the metric system.
Police in Ukraine are searching for the person who installed a vodka vending machine in a town square that sold shots for a dollar. Because the machine’s empty and they’re thirsty.
A couple in Ontario has banned their family from using any technology created after 1986. At least, we think that’s what their Morse Code message said.
According to Reuters, some Syrian rebel groups are using iPads to guide their mortar fire. But so far they haven’t succeeded at overthrowing the dangerous, evil dictatorship they’re fighting: Microsoft.
The founders of the Mars One venture, which is planning a one-way trip to Mars in 2023, are saying that more than 200,000 people have registered to join the expedition. That’s not counting the two million men signed up by their wives.
Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote an op-ed for the New York Times saying it was “extremely dangerous” for America to see itself as an exceptional nation. You know America, the unexceptional nation that invented democracy, the airplane, the light bulb, the telephone, religious freedom, television, transistors, CPR, the computer, rolling luggage, cheeseburgers and facebook. And gas masks that can protect people against chemical weapons? We invented those too.
Whenever I see somebody paying $4 for SmartWater I think “If that’s not your first one, it didn’t work.”
I’ve had a lot of three month relationships. Because that’s usually about how long it takes me to fix everything in her apartment.
Dear Women on OKCupid,
Murder mysteries are what I prefer to read. So if your profile is as long as a novel there better be a dead guy in it.
Senator John McCain says he’s thinking about legalizing marijuana. McCain thinking about legalizing marijuana? What’s this guy been smoking?
The teen birth rate in this country is at a record low. Apparently it’s really, really hard to drive, text AND screw at the same time!
A new survey says that office space per employee keeps getting smaller and smaller. Or maybe it just seems that way as employees keep getting larger and larger.
JetBlue is introducing Lie Flat Seats in first class. Don’t confuse this with the seats in Congress, those are Lie To The Public seats.
What I think is an obvious joke to a comedian: In order to increase the number of students studying communism, Ho Chi Minh University in Vietnam has agreed to waive tuition for anyone who majors in communist economics. They’re lowering the price to increase demand. Their first communist economics lesson? Capitalism works better.
Senator John McCain was caught playing video poker on his cell phone during a Senate hearing. This is even worse than when President Bush was caught losing at tic tac toe in his visit to a DC elementary school.
Hey, at least he’s finally using 21st century technology. He even has a Kindle. But six years ago when he was running for president… well, show the book he was reading during the election
(insert photo of stone tablets)
A German company is apologizing for sending out condoms with an offensive, anti-immigrant message. You can see the apology on the new 24 hour German Apology channel.
A new survey says that 42% of incoming Harvard freshmen admitted to cheating in the past. Shouldn’t they have asked this question BEFORE they let them into Harvard?
How come everyone gets so excited about Shark Week but we don’t even HAVE a Smart Week?
Fast food employees in seven cities walked off the job this week to protest low wages. And ER doctors in the same seven cities also walked off the job- not in protest, just because they had nothing to do.
The princess gave birth yesterday. Today she and the new baby left the hospital. What kind of crummy HMO does the royal family have?
A new survey says that office space per employee keeps getting smaller and smaller. Or maybe it just seems that way as employees keep getting larger and larger.
JetBlue is introducing Lie Flat Seats in first class. Don’t confuse this with the seats in Congress, those are Lie To The Public seats.
To settle a defamation lawsuit a former beauty pageant contestant was ordered to pay Donald Trump $5 million. Could’ve been worse, she could’ve been ordered to listen to him for five minutes.
The meat industry is suing the government, saying that country-of-origin labels would be too expensive to provide. Have you seen the price of meat? For what I’m paying for a steak I want to see the country of origin, the cow’s birth certificate, its drivers license, college transcript and credit report.
It’s so hot that even conservative Republicans in Congress say they’re looking forward to attending the wedding of Ben and Jerry.
It’s so hot that guys in bars have stopped bragging about the size of their organs and started bragging about the size of their air conditioners.
According to a new study, America is no longer the world’s fattest nation. We’re now number two, behind Mexico. Two of the fattest countries are Turkey and Chile. Well of course- what do you expect if you name your country after food? If there were a People’s Republic of Nachos that would probably be at the top of the list!
(and don’t deny it, you’d move there)
Surprisingly, Hungry is also on the list.
It’s so hot that the newest pick-up line in bars is just “Hi. 15,000 BTUs. My place?”
It’s so hot that the real reason that Elizabeth Hasselback left The View for Fox is that Fox has better air conditioning.
At the annual Running of the Bulls in Spain, two runners narrowly missed getting gored by bulls. Or as the bulls put it, “Darwinism failed again this year at the annual running of the morons.”
Sarah Palin is thinking of running for the Senate, saying that people have requested it. Among the people requesting her to run for the Senate: Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert…
It’s so hot that people are now robbing banks with heat guns.
According to a new study America is no longer the world’s fattest nation. We’re now number two, behind Mexico. But the government has a plan to return to the top- we’ll open the border gates just a little bit wider.
According to a new study America is no longer the world’s fattest nation. We’re now number two, behind Mexico. But that’s only because a lot of Mexicans came here, got really fat and rolled south, back down to Mexico.
It’s so hot that Texas and Arizona put up signs at the border saying “Air conditioning out of order” and all the Mexicans turned around and went home.
It’s so hot that Obama is thinking about declaring war on Canada.
It’s so hot that diamond thieves have stopped stealing (air quotes) Ice and started stealing actual ice.
I’m very upset that the government is monitoring all of Verizon customers’ calls. The last thing I want is for them to find out that I’m still using a dial phone.
Microsoft’s new 8.1 version of Windows 8 has some new features- like a Start button. 8.1, or as most people know it, Windows 7.
A new survey says that 40% of designated drivers actually drink. Well of course- everybody knows that Designated Drivers Drink Free!
An Illinois elementary school is bragging about having 24 sets of twins. The ever-competitive Charlie Sheen claims he’s had 25.
Hillary Clinton has joined Twitter. Her first tweet? Has anybody seen my husband?
Hillary Clinton has joined Twitter. Previously her only use of new technology was the tracking device she put on Bill.
Government officials are saying that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is living in Hong Kong and may be working for the Chinese. Working for the Chinese? Are they kidding? He’s almost thirty!
The NSA has been gathering phone call information from the major carriers. But not mine- joke’s on them, I have T-Mobile, I can’t MAKE any phone calls.
Senator Lindsey Graham said that if he thought censoring the mail was necessary, he’d suggest it. Then he went back to 2003, the last time anybody wrote a letter.
A new consumer survey says that Americans have more confidence in banks. Most confident? This guy. (Insert photo- bank-robber)
Scientists are hoping to save bees from possible extinction by saving and freezing their sperm. That’s one sperm bank where you don’t want to accidentally walk into the wrong room!
Scientists have found a way to make the atomic clock even more accurate. How about finding a way to make people more accurate?
In the Vatican on Sunday the Pope blessed hundreds of Harley-Davidson motorcycles. At least we think he said “Oh Lord, please bless these Harleys” but it was so noisy he might’ve been saying “Oh Lord, please dress these harlots.”
Either way, he finished with “That we so love to ride.”
In Northern Ireland President Obama urged young people to make peace permanent. Then he returned to America and gave the same speech to Bill and Hillary.
Jeb Bush says that his father, George H. W. Bush, doesn’t think that we’ve had enough Bushes in the White House.
Just the WRONG Bushes.
Jeb Bush is in hot water for saying that immigrants are more fertile than Americans. But he is being supported by some politicians. Former governor Schwarzenegger said “Tell me about it!”
The United Nations says that in two years Syria’s civil war has killed 93,000 people. In response cigarette maker Philip Morris said “In two years? We do that in two months!”
Starbucks has begun posting calorie counts. Which is a relief because when I saw “800.00” I thought it was the price.
Tesla Motors is recalling 1200 Model S vehicles for a defective weld. When Tesla owners heard about it they said “Wait, you mean it’s just, like, a car? That’s it?”
AT&T is building charging stations in NYC that run on solar energy, so people can charge their cell phones during the day. They said it was either that or make phones that can actually make it through a whole day without their batteries dying.
A plane powered entirely by solar energy landed in Washington, DC. Politicians immediately proposed taxing the sun.
The NTSB is suggesting lowering the threshold for drunk driving from .08 to .04.Yet they remain conspicuously silent on lowering the threshold for drunk dialing.
The first Saudi Arabian woman to climb Mount Everest reached the summit today. She’s only 11 but unfortunately the 54 year old man who bought her was only steps behind.
The winning 600 million dollar power ball ticket was sold in Florida. Prompting a record number of children to actually call their grandparents.
The government has a secret plot to round up and imprison all conspiracy theorists. And they’re getting away with it!
Have you seen how fat OJ Simpson has gotten? I guess that’s what happens when you’ve spent the last thirteen years searching for the real death-by-chocolate.
Have you seen how fat OJ Simpson has gotten? The only knife this guy’s been wielding is a cake knife.
After being accused of multiple counts of sexual harassment, disgraced New York assemblyman Vito Lopez is finally resigning. He’s being replaced by a more respectable New Yorker, Vito Corleone.
The media is reporting that Palestinians are smuggling buckets of KFC chicken through tunnels into Gaza. KFC? Haven’t the Palestinians suffered enough?
On-line dating tip:
Okay, on-line dater. If there’s a gas station in the background of your photo and it says “$1.69” I think you need a more recent photo.
Dear every woman on okcupid: You’re not a Buddhist. You just took a yoga class once.
The world’s oldest person just turned 116. He said his wish is to finish blowing out all the candles on his cake before he turns 117.
This just in- Suspected terrorist hides under boat- Democrats call for banning boats.
Disgraced former congressman and parts-twitter Anthony Weiner is considering running for mayor. This morning my writers turned in twenty days worth of Weiner jokes and took the rest of the month off.
A earthquake in Sichuan, China has killed over 200 people and injured thousands. The Chinese Bureau of Investigation has released surveillance photos of the suspects.
(INSERT- ‘photos’ of God and Jesus)
Taco Bell announced that it plans to start serving more nutritious food by the year 2020. But if you’re eating at Taco Bell now you probably won’t live that long.
A new study says that knowing the prices of tests causes doctors to order fewer of them. Same with me and Rolls Royces.
Disgraced former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is running for Congress. Experts say he’s likely to win the election by appealing to the cheating husband voting block.
CBS News is reporting that some of its Twitter accounts have been hacked. But we’re not sure this is true, because CBS reported it.
CBS News is reporting that some of its Twitter accounts have been hacked. If it’s true it’s the first story CBS News has gotten right in years.
CBS News is reporting that some of its Twitter accounts have been hacked. And in other technology news PBS is reportedly thinking about finally applying for a myspace account.
CBS News is reporting that some of its Twitter accounts have been hacked. The hackers considered also hacking Fox News’s Twitter account but realized that no matter how ridiculous their tweets would be, nobody would realize that they’re fake.
CBS News is reporting that some of its Twitter accounts have been hacked. Experts were first suspicious when they noticed that the postings were accurate and unbiased.
Rumor has it that Jay Leno will be retiring from The Tonight Show next year. He told me he would’ve been happy to retire earlier but he had to wait until he paid off his student loans.
The TSA announced that it’s relaxing its rules and will be allowing passengers to carry small knives onto airplanes. Sparking outrage from flyers groups, flight attendants and the National Large Knife Association.
Comcast is buying the rest of NBC from General Electric. Now that a cable company owns NBC, Law & Order SVU is moving from 9 PM to “Sometime between 8 and 6.”
The problem with guns is that they sell them at Walmart, which means that people who shop at Walmart have guns.
Happy Veterans’ Day! My dad (former Technical Sgt. Breidbart, U.S. Army) celebrated Veterans’ Day the way he usually does, yelling at mom through the bathroom door.
(mom worked for the Navy, which I guess explains all the boats in the bathtub)
The cease-fire between Israel and Gaza seems to be holding. Now the Egyptians are being asked to broker a truce between General and Mrs. Petraeus.
A London auction house is selling Elvis Presley’s Rolex watch and a corset worn by Madonna on her 1990 Blond Ambition tour. Sorry, my mistake, she wore it on her 1890 tour.
Companies have started telling their employees how to vote, which would work a lot better if most people didn’t totally hate their bosses.
Whenever I see someone holding a “Death to America!” sign I imagine they meant to say “Death to Bank of America!” and I feel much better.
An 11 year old won a $20,000 prize for creating an app that discourages texting while driving. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a collision.
Snooki just gave birth to a baby boy:
6 lbs, 5 oz, .13% blood alcohol.
He came out folded up; when they unfolded him he was taller than his mom.
He was born at 3 AM. His first words were “Last call? Already?”
Her breast milk? White Russians.
Last night I told my friend I thought that the rose was our national flower. She said she doubted it because roses aren’t native to North America.
I said neither are white people.
(it is the rose)
Judo athlete Wojdan Shaherkani became the first Saudi Arabian woman to compete in The Olympics. When she gets home she faces an even tougher challenge- becoming the first Saudi Arabian woman to get a driver’s license.
Last week the LAPD caught an escaped convict who’d been stalking Madonna. He was charged with escaping from prison, stalking and cruelty to senior citizens.
Last week more than a million espresso makers were recalled after dozens of consumers were burned by hot liquids. On the positive side, paramedics said they’ve never seen so many cases where the victim actually out-ran the ambulance to the emergency room.
Newt Gingrich is accusing Mitt Romney of raising taxes on the blind by charging them ten dollars to receive a Certificate of Blindness. Even worse? He just took their ten dollars and sent them blank sheets of paper.
A new dating site claims it can find God’s perfect match for you. I’m not sure I want God finding me a mate- I want someone pretty, and God’s a lot less superficial than I am!
Dunkin’ Donuts announced that it plans to double its number of stores over the next 20 years. Also announcing plans to double in size? You.
Have you heard that travel agents started selling flights into space? They’re only $200,000. Plus $25 for each checked bag, oh, and the million dollar “Return to Earth” fee.
Political experts are saying that the other candidates went easy on Mitt Romney in yesterday’s debate because they’re hoping he’ll pick them for vice president. I guess this explains the bouquet of roses Romney got last night from a confused Joe Biden.
Last week a Rhode Island man purchased a winning lottery ticket at a neighborhood strip club. Or as he put it to his wife? Honey, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news…
The Fox Network said they’re planning to start airing cartoons on Saturday nights. Fox is famous for cartoons like The Simpsons, Futurama and Fox News.
In one of the weekend presidential debates former ambassador to China Jon Huntsman spoke a few words of Chinese. Not to be outdone Ron Paul delivered his rebuttal entirely in Romulan.
Iran has warned the U.S. not to send our aircraft carriers into the Persian Gulf. Of course as soon as they realized how much oil those ships burn they said “Hey, how fast can you get here?”
If you can’t tell if your beer cap is a twist-off, you’re either very weak or very strong.
A German man just set the world record for piercings, with over 450 just on his face. He said that the piercings don’t hinder his dating because they always give them something to talk about.
Most common conversation line?
HELL YEAH it hurts!
This Just In- Continental Airlines announces its new $65 “We will try not to sit you between two fat guys” fee.
Republicans in Congress are moving to block an Obama Administration bill to require healthier school lunches. When reached for comment Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner said it’s part of their plan to save Social Security in 50 years.
On Halloween this year I saw the scariest costume ever, a kid came to my door dressed as Obama’s re-election.
The London coroner is reporting that Amy Winehouse died from drinking too much alcohol, possibly as much as twenty five or thirty shots of hard liquor. This just in- Snooky has hired a new personal assistant who can count to thirty.
Two American economists won this year’s Nobel Prize in Economics. Do I even NEED to write a punchline?
The New York City Transit Authority is bringing cell phone service to the subways. So now if you’re standing on the platform and someone steals your iPhone you can just steal someone else’s iPhone to call 9-1-1.
Monday night my friend took me to what she said was an authentic Indian restaurant.
It was very authentic.
We got smallpox.
Actual conversation at the Verizon store:
Phone salesman: “This is a good phone for texting while you’re driving.”
Me: “Why, does it call 9-1-1 automatically?”
Thought of the day:
I think airlines should board according to how long your profession keeps its customers waiting. Teachers start class on time, they can board first. Along with firefighters. Parking attendants and wait staff next. Last? Doctors and phone-based tech support.
Or maybe it’s this:
You’ve probably had too much to drink when you order two Big Macs and two large sodas, and the response you get is
“Sir, this is a dry cleaners.”
I bought a new Apple iCar. It seats six, gets 45 mpg and you can drive it on any road that Apple has approved.
The SEC announced that it’s frozen the funds of an alleged Ponzi scheme… but enough about Social Security.
Scientists are reporting a serious outbreak of the disease horse herpes. Don’t worry, you can’t get herpes from riding a horse. But you can get it from riding one of these…
(insert photo of the cast of Jersey Shore)
New York City is building a Museum of Math. It turns out that there’s a specific mathematical concept to explain how many people will visit the Museum of Math.
The best investment I ever made was a roll of “PAID” stickers.
My mother said she might be allergic to chocolate, but not in souffle form.
My car is so old it runs on dinosaurs.
I love living in NY- it’s the greatest city in the world for entertainment. A Broadway show is a hundred or two hundred dollars and lasts about two hours. A movie is twelve dollars and last an hour and a half. But a NYC subway ride is two fifty and you can stay as long as you want!
In America we say “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” In Europe where they actually eat horse meat they say “I’m so hungry I could eat as much as an American.”
Doing shows for military groups I’ve learned that the term “Headshot” means different things to actors and snipers.
In political news, Sarah Palin hired Bob Dole’s former campaign manager. In response the Obama campaign hired twelve new comedy writers.
Sarah Palin went outside and saw cameras. You know what this means- six more years of Obama.
My modest proposal to eliminate the deficit AND fix healthcare in three easy steps:
1. Cut military spending in half.
2. Declare war on Canada.
To set a good example, the New York City Health Department won’t serve alcohol at their holiday party, only water, diet soda and healthy foods. They say the new policy will also save money, because nobody will show up.
The NYC mansion featured in the opening scene of the movie The Godfather is on the market for $2.9 million. I took a tour during the open-house… but I didn’t see nothin’.
A Carnival Cruise Lines ship stalled off the coast of Mexico after its engines blew up. The ship has no power, is unable to move and is dead in the water. They’ve renamed it the Barack Obama.
The Queen of England now has a facebook page. I wish she’d sign up for LinkedIn. So we could finally find out what the heck she does for a living.
Australian anti-immigrant politician Pauline Hanson has abandoned her plans to move to Britain, saying that “it’s overrun with immigrants and refugees.” Of course if she did move to England SHE’D be an immigrant. Does anybody know how to say “irony” in Australian?
Sarah Palin’s new TV show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” debuted last week. Not to worry, you don’t have to live in Alaska to see a better show from your house.
Grateful Dead member Jerry Garcia’s California house is for sale. The asking price is four million dollars. Six million if you want them to include the medicine cabinet.
The New York Times Company says they expect to lose money in the third quarter. Because in this economy consumers are cutting back on luxuries… like fiction.
Wal-Mart says they’re planning a new expansion strategy. What’s left for them to expand into, Starbucks?
After Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was arrested in NYC for shoplifting, the former mayor said to the press that it was a family matter. A spokesman for the Gambino Family said “Hey, don’t get US mixed up in this!”
There’s a rumor going around that football player Brett Favre is retiring but he’s denying it. He says he’s gonna keep playing until Jay Leno takes his job.
A former waitress in Pennsylvania was arrested for collecting Workers Compensation payments while going to work as a stripper. It was THE most investigated case of Workers Comp fraud ever.
A cell phone store manager in Florida stopped a robbery by telling the robber that Jesus would be disappointed. Jesus could not be reached for comment… because he has AT&T.
Not only is Democratic congressman Charles Rangel under an ethics investigation, so is Democratic congresswoman Maxine Waters. So, lobbyists, make sure, if you’re planning to buy a Democratic member of Congress, you’ll be wasting your money if you pay to own them past November.
Conan O’Brien’s 7 bedroom duplex on NYC’s Central Park West was sold for $25 million to the CEO of Discovery Communications. Because Jay Leno didn’t also want it.
President Obama allocated two billion dollars for solar power. Which was actually very nice of him, because everybody knows that the sun’s a Republican!
Last week the New York Times carried a front-page story about the world champion of horseshoes. Making it the first time in history a story on horseshoes has carried a liberal bias.
A new study says that pregnant women who are more physically active give birth to healthier babies… see, THIS is why I’m not giving up my subway seat to pregnant women. It’s for their own benefit!
A Bradenton, Florida man was arrested for calling 911 eighteen times in two months. Eighteen 911 calls in two months, or as New Yorkers call it, the slow season.
The city of Newark is celebrating its first murder-free month in 44 years. That’s sad, a city with a million guns and nobody worth killing.
A new study is reporting that casual sex is increasing in the U.S. We asked for more information but the researchers were all too busy to comment.
Two women in England were arrested for trying to sneak a dead body onto a flight, disguised as a passenger. Airline officials realized that the passenger was dead when he was the only one who wasn’t complaining about the food.
Spirit Airlines is now charging $45 for putting carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment. But if you want to stuff a crying baby there, that’s still free.
The chief of staff of the Republican National Committee resigned a week after employees used a company credit card at a bondage strip club. He said he would’ve stepped down earlier but he was tied up.
United Airlines and USAir are in merger talks. Negotiators really hope to conclude the negotiations soon, because they’re holding them in coach.
My grocery store gave me a booklet of recipes sponsored by Reynolds Wrap. I’m suspicious- won’t these recipes be mediocre, to ensure left-overs?
Scientists studying elephants say their legs operate like the wheels on a 4 wheel drive SUV. This just in- now Democrats are blaming elephants for global warming.
A physics student is petitioning to add “hella” to the International System of Units as the official designation of 10 to the 27th power, or a trillion trillions. The Obama Administration is backing his efforts, saying it’ll make describing the national debt a whole lot easier.
The Winter Olympic sport Biathlon is skiing and shooting. Don’t confuse this with The Bronx Biathlon– shooting and running.
At a comedy party last month several people said “I haven’t seen you in a while. Where’ve you been?” My answer: “You haven’t seen me because I’ve been behind you.”
This just in– Toyota has issued a recall for all of its public relations executives.
The coach of a Pop Warner youth football team was arrested for selling cocaine during practices. Authorities said they first got suspicious when one of his players kicked a 70 yard field goal… while sitting on the bench.
Thought of the month: No matter how hard you scrub, you can’t clean off a shadow.
Elton John was picked to kick off this year’s Grammy ceremony. Elton John? Who chose Elton John, the Eight Track Tape Association?
CTS Corporation, the maker of Toyota’s sticky gas pedals, is reported to be suffering from all the bad publicity. But their replacement brake pad business has never been stronger!
A new report from the CDC found that the average life expectancy for Americans is now more than 77 years. We’re never gonna get rid of Donald Trump.
A new study found that being overweight makes you look older. But it also means that fewer people actually look at you, so it’s kind of a wash.
The Wall Street Journal reported today that Russian hackers stole tens of millions of dollars from Citibank. This is a shock– a bank that still has tens of millions of dollars?
President Obama told children at a Boys & Girls Club in Washington, “You guys have so much potential that one of you could end up being president someday, but it’s only going to happen if you focus and stay in school.” President Bush gave the rebuttal.
A university in Japan has developed a robotic baby that has an animated screen for a face and can cry “real” tears. And all year will probably be sitting next to me on airplanes.
Facebook will now commemorate anniversaries – just like birthdays. This just in– Tiger Woods is no longer on Facebook.
Jessica Simpson is suing Star Magazine over reports that she had an affair with Tiger Woods. She’s not denying it, but with the number of women already linked to Tiger Woods she just doesn’t think it’s newsworthy.
There’s a new iPhone app that helps drivers in New York City find broken parking meters. The main cause of broken parking meters? Drivers crashing into them while using their iPhones.
A female Olympic weightlifter from Chile gave birth to a baby boy during a training session – without knowing that she was pregnant. In fact she didn’t even know she was female.
A new study found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. And that scientists spend 47% of their time researching really stupid stuff.
Engineers in Texas have created a robot designed to look and talk like Albert Einstein. Maybe THAT robot will do something useful, like build a robot that looks and talks like Megan Fox.
Tomorrow is the busiest travel day of the year, and the three airports here in the New York area– JFK, LaGuardia and Newark – are the worst in the country in on-time arrivals. But we’re still number one in river landings.
The movie “2012” came in Number 1 at the weekend box office – taking in $225 million worldwide, more than ten times what second-place “A Christmas Carol” made. Jesus is gonna be pissed!
Halloween is tomorrow! In my neighborhood the popular kids are going as Barack Obama or Miley Cyrus, and the fat kids are going as the 1,990 page health care bill.
President Obama signed a defense bill this week that would give commanders in Afghanistan the ability to pay Taliban fighters to switch sides. It’s the same strategy that defense contractors have been using for years with Congressmen.
A new study in the journal Pediatrics found that it’s healthier to let children sleep late on weekends and holidays. Since when is the journal Pediatrics publishing studies conducted by children who just don’t want to go to church?
On this day in 1953 General Marshall won the Nobel Peace Prize for originating the Marshall Plan. In 1953, you know, back when they gave out the Nobel Peace Prize for actually doing something.
Green Week is over. Now I can stop picking up hitchhikers with my Hummer, claiming I was car-pooling. And go back to what I normally do… picking up hitchhikers just because they’re hot.
Green Week is over. And I’m making a change. Instead of just driving my Hummer to work, I’m using it to tow my other Hummer.
The army in the country of Moldova is using garlic and onions to ward off swine flu. It hasn’t cut down on the incidence of disease but experts say it’s reduced by 90% the chance of a vampire invasion.
Oprah Winfrey announced today that her last show will air on September 9, 2011. She doesn’t want to leave, but economists predict that by that date she’ll already have all the money.
At a news conference yesterday, former First Lady Laura Bush said the George W. Bush Presidential Library will showcase exhibits and not serve as a monument to the former president. Because we already have a monument to Bush’s eight years in office… it’s called the recession.
In a new interview with Vogue magazine, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reveals that she “naps on command.” Bill Clinton said that’s what he loves most about her.
GQ magazine just named Clint Eastwood “Badass of the Year.” Unfortunately that year was 1971.
A new study in the Journal of the American Medical Association found signs of heart disease in mummies that were 3,500-years-old. Now that’s a bad HMO, when you only get diagnosed after you’ve been dead for 3450 years.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez asked his supporters to exercise and eat healthy in order to lose weight. Or he could just do what his friend Fidel Castro does- starve them.
Last week a woman in Georgia tracked down her long-lost father by Googling her own name and finding a website he dedicated to her. Making her the only person in America who waited until the year 2009 to Google herself.
A new report found that shoplifting cost the average American family about $435 more in 2009. That’s the average family. It cost the Walton family, founders of WalMart, about half a billion dollars.
Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Center for Ethics at Harvard University. He would’ve delivered the lecture at the Center for Ethics on Wall Street, but there isn’t any.
There’s a huge debate in the White House over US troop levels in Afghanistan. Hillary Clinton wants more troops deployed, Joe Biden wants fewer, and Bill Clinton wants Hillary deployed.
United Airlines suspended a pilot as he was about to fly a plane with 124 passengers while drunk. They didn’t believe his claim that he was just drinking Irish coffees so he wouldn’t fall asleep over Minneapolis.
“Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2” came out today and is expected to make $500 million in one week. Or as the Yankees call that, PAYROLL.
In Rhode Island during the state soccer championship a fight broke out which ended with one of the girls dragging another completely across the soccer field by her hair. This fight is on the heels of last week’s BYU-New Mexico match where Elizabeth Lambert elbowed a girl in the back and then smacked another girl to the ground. Gotta hand it to ’em, they’ve finally figured out how to make soccer popular… they’ve turned it into hockey.
Tomorrow is Veterans’ Day. The day we salute those brave, patriotic Americans who decided they’d rather be shot at than spend another Thanksgiving with their families.
Scientists in the U.S. and Australia are working on new software that would allow patients to cough into their cell phones and get a diagnosis within seconds. Reports say that cell phones are not happy about this.
A new poll found that 80% of people in California believe their state is moving in the wrong direction. And seismologists say that direction is down.
A man in upstate New York was arrested for stealing 72 cans of Red Bull from a drug store over a 2-week period. They would’ve caught him sooner but he ran away really, really fast.
An angry mob of thousands of Republican protestors rallied at the Capitol yesterday chanting “Kill the bill.” Same thing Hillary used to say when her husband came home late smelling of perfume.
House Republican Leader John Boehnor told a crowd of angry protestors that the Democrats health care bill is “the greatest threat to freedom” he has ever seen. But in fairness, he was in the bathroom during most of World War II.
Scientists at a zoo in Germany are not sure why a group of bears are mysteriously losing their hair. I think it’s obvious– they’re trying to look hip for the ladies.
There’s a new iPhone app called the Cry Translator that claims it can translate your baby’s crying and tell you how to fix it in 10 seconds flat. I can tell you how. Put down your iPhone and pick up your baby.
During his speech in Madison, Wisconsin yesterday, President Obama said that “The currency of today’s economy is knowledge.” I went into Starbucks this morning, recited the original 13 colonies, but they still wouldn’t give me a cup of coffee.
Yesterday Ukraine closed all its schools for a week to avoid the spread of swine flu. And today fifteen million American kids are insisting they’re Ukrainian.
For the first time in over 25 years an American won the New York Marathon, with a winning time of eleven hours and forty seven minutes.
A new survey found that one in four people are thankful for the recession because it helped them realize their priorities. And one in one American presidents is thankful for the recession because it helped them get elected.
The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. Luckily the American dollar is still the preferred currency for snorting cocaine.
Some sad news– the founder of the clothing store chain The Gap passed away. He’ll be buried as soon as six insolent teenage pallbearers stop texting their friends and get around to picking up the coffin.
Today is the 43rd anniversary of the founding of The National Organization for Women. And now, 43 years later, because of all their hard work, America can finally have a black president.
A spa in Austria opened a new pool filled with more than 40,000 pints of beer – claiming that it can treat skin conditions. That’s what I’d claim if I owned a spa and my wife caught me buying 40,000 pints of beer. (before you hit ’email’ and ask me when I got married, remember… these jokes were written for someone else)
First Lady Michelle Obama and Second Lady Jill Biden were at Game 1 of the World Series here in New York earlier tonight… and Bill told Hillary he was there too.
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys were supposed to perform “Empire State of Mind” live before Game 1 of the World Series earlier tonight but the performance was postponed. Not because of the weather, because Kanye West stole the microphone.
Senators from New York and Pennsylvania are making a wager on the World Series: If the Yankees win, Senators Schumer and Gillibrand get Philly cheesesteaks. And if the Phillies win, Senators Specter and Casey will get beaten and robbed in the South Bronx.
A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. Another study found that men who mention this first study to their wives will live an average thirty years less than their father.
The IRS has a new unit called the Global Wealth Industry group – which targets only the very wealthy. They bought the unit from the estate of Anna Nicole Smith.
Researchers in Germany have created a new iPhone app that can drive a car. But if your iPhone is caught talking on itself while driving it can be fined a hundred dollars.
A woman in Louisiana was shocked to find out that a painting she sold for $2 at a garage sale could be a Picasso worth millions of dollars. But in her defense… who knew that Picasso ever painted dogs playing poker?
A new study found that the secret to a long, happy marriage could include having a wife who is smarter than you and at least 5 years younger. Another secret to a happy marriage? Not showing this study to your wife and saying “Honey, we’re doomed.”
Brad Pitt is doing fine after he was involved in a minor motorcycle accident in Los Angeles yesterday. And by doing fine… well, he broke eleven ribs and punctured a lung, but he’s still married to Angelina Jolie.
Trying to set a world record, over the weekend a Michigan man stuffed 16 cockroaches into his mouth. The record’s for being the man least likely to ever have another date.
The pilots of that Northwest Airlines flight that missed Minneapolis by 150 miles last week say they weren’t sleeping but just having a discussion about airline policy. Apparently they disagreed with the policy requiring them to land.
A new survey found that 30% of Americans don’t believe that hard work will help them get ahead. If that’s the case, why are we worrying about a 10% unemployment rate?
Forbes just released a list of wealthy Americans who could actually buy entire countries. Bill Gates, who’s worth $50 billion, could buy 140 countries, including Costa Rica, El Salvador, Bolivia and Uruguay. When reached for comment, Mr. Gates says he just plans to stick with the five he already owns, the U.S., Canada, England, France and Australia.
Playboy Enterprises just hired a new president. “Hired” might be the wrong word to use since all the applicants for the job said they’d do it for free.
Fortune magazine is laying off workers and planning to publish 25% fewer issues each year as a result of the recession. So if you’re getting your business advice from Fortune magazine, you might want to rethink it…. They’re also changing the name of the magazine to MisFortune.
114 year old Mary Josephine Ray is now the country’s oldest person. She lives in Manchester, New Hampshire and loves ice cream and the Boston Red Sox. So I guess the secret to a long life is a cold climate, cold desserts and repeated disappointment.
A Winona, Minnesota man was arrested for cursing, under a law dating back to 1887. He called someone a pox-ridden harlot.
Congressman Joe Wilson’s son says his father doesn’t have a racist bone in his body. But his liver, heart and tendons really hate black people and Jews.
Barack Obama says that he has every reason to get health care right since it’s so important. Really, Mr. President? Google “Bush plus Iraq War.”
A new report details ways you can get through airport security much faster. Tip number one? Leave the grenade-launcher at home.
Football season is under way. Brett Favre is playing for his third team in three years. Also on the third team in three years? Madonna.
Three British Moslems were sentenced to 108 years for plotting to blow up airplanes. They say that when they get out of jail in 2118 their investments with Bernie Madoff should be worth billions!
Apple is investigating reports that some of its iPhones have exploded. “Blow up your purse… there’s an app for that!”
A cover story in the new issue of Oprah Magazine reveals which of the five most popular diets is the most effective. Let me guess, it’s the one that Oprah’s NOT on.
The stalemate in the New York State Senate was broken last week when a Democrat who became a Republican switched back to being a Democrat. In a related story, Cher’s daughter is still her son.
Just heard on the news that a baby woke up DURING HIS FUNERAL. That’s one kid who’s gonna get a pony when he asks.
Some sad news. 80’s film-maker John Hughes passed away, at the age of fifteen.
Altria (f/k/a Philip Morris) stock is up sharply today due to the success of their new celebrity smokesman Barack Obama.
I looked up my symptoms on WebJD, turns out I have a good malpractice suit against my doctor.
I started writing a Sarah Palin joke, then quit.
In a display of irony, you have to be 18 to get into the Michael Jackson memorial service.
Some sad news. The inventor of the vibrating bed has passed away. He was on life support until his family ran out of quarters.
A teenager from Iowa won $50,000 in a cell phone texting contest. She said she plans to use the money to repair the six cars she wrecked from driving while texting.
California scientists are now saying that marijuana smoke causes cancer. They would’ve reported this sooner but, like, what’s the rush, man?
Two cows escaped from a farm in Massachusetts and walked five miles into New Hampshire. Can you blame them? Taxes are much lower in New Hampshire.
Another Obama nominee is in trouble for failure to file her income tax forms. When asked for an explanation she said she was hoping to be nominated, and just wanted to fit in.
According to scientists, this past Sunday, June 21st, was the longest day of the year. I thought the longest day of the year was any day they let Joe Biden open his mouth.
Last week the government accidentally posted a secret list of nuclear websites on the internet. Who does Obama think he is, the New York Times?
A new scientific study says that single women stare at single men more than married women do. Of course– the married women are keeping an eye on the single women to keep them away from their husbands!
Last week Pennsylvania senator Arlen Specter left the Republican Party. Experts say it’s because the Republicans wouldn’t let him keep his 11:30 PM time slot.
The economy’s so bad that now when New York Yankees boff Madonna they only bring HALF a dozen roses.
The economy’s so bad that now men are going to bars with rolls of NICKELS in their underwear.
The government reported that construction spending actually INCREASED in March…. but economists say it’s mostly due to work rebuilding Cher.
The economy’s so bad that Dick Cheney has switched to shooting PARALEGALS in the face.
Last week Pennsylvania senator Arlen Specter left the Republican Party. Know who’s taking his place? Conan O’Brien!
Scientists in California have created the world’s smallest light bulb. They say it’s perfect for Democrats who want to remain pretty much in the dark.
A new poll says that 3 in 10 Americans say that Fox News is too tough on President Obama. The survey was taken in the MSNBC cafeteria.
The economy’s so bad that the annual rebuilding of Cher is now on a 15 month cycle.
The economy’s so bad that to save money CBS is replacing CSI New York with CSI Bangalore.
Jim Beam announced that it’s coming out with cherry-flavored bourbon. Didn’t that used to be called cough medicine?
The CDC found a rocket fuel ingredient in some baby formula and they say it may be a health hazard. On the positive side, America now has the fastest babies in the world!
President Obama’s nominee for Navy Secretary is being criticized for going through a bitter divorce. Criticized? His divorce alone is more combat experience than President Obama’s ever had!
A man was arrested for trying to enter Spain wearing a leg cast made of cocaine. Authorities became suspicious when they saw people trying to sign his cast with a straw.
President Obama said that he loves Canada, even though it was uncomfortably cold. The same thing he said when he appointed Hillary Clinton Secretary of State.
California’s anti-smoking rules are strict! If you’re in a bar and you want to smoke, you have to go to Nevada.
The economy is in such bad shape that:
-This afternoon Dick Cheney shot a law student in the face.
-Kids who visited Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch are demanding their hush money in Euros.
-I saw a woman in Beverly Hills actually drink tap water.
-To save money NBC cut an hour out of their prime-time line-up and now late-night talk shows start at 10 PM.
-There’s now a tip jar outside Bill Gates’ office.
-Beverly Hills plastic surgeons are now actually treating people for medical ailments.
-Brittney Spears has stopped buying underwear to not wear.
-Country singers singing about losing their pick-up trucks are actually losing their pick-up trucks.
-back east the mafia has started UPS-ing bodies to the Jersey swamps because they can’t afford the gas and tolls.
-even the president of the United States is showing up on late-night television just for the $700 guest pay.
Some sad news… the first scientist to clone animals has passed away. He’s survived by his wife and by his seventeen children who all look exactly like him!
The Los Angeles police are investigating threats to the woman who just had octuplets. They’ve narrowed down the suspect list to EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES!
Toyota has invented a car that runs completely on solar energy. Experts say it works great… if you drive it due west at a thousand miles an hour you’ll never run out of sunlight!
It’s cold in the Northeast, in fact it’s so cold that flight attendants are telling passengers that in the event of a water landing they should use the ice skates under the seats.
The USAir pilot did a wonderful job ditching his plane in the river. He said he learned how to crash-land by watching President Bush guide the economy for eight years.
Frigid temperatures on the east coast this week. Apparently not only is Barack Obama bringing Chicago-style politics to Washington, he’s also bringing Chicago weather.
A new study says that there’s a shortage of nurses. That’s in hospitals; there’s no nurse shortage in porn movies.
Animal control officials in Illinois found 69 rabbits living in a one-bedroom apartment. The tenant said “I don’t understand it– when I left for work this morning there were only two of them!”
Big snowstorms back east. The snow was so deep in New York that Bill Clinton stopped hitting on fat chicks and started hitting on tall ones.
Because the Earth’s rotation is slowing down the government is adding an extra second to 2008. Scientists call it a leap-second and Dick Cheney calls it just enough time to shoot another lawyer before the year ends.
A New York man was convicted of public lewdness after going to a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through without any pants on. The judge didn’t believe his defense that he just wanted to provide a place to stack the donuts in an environmentally-conscious bid to save paper.
British scientists say paranoia is on the rise. How do they know? Have they been secretly watching me?
A Dallas preacher urged his parishioners to have relations for seven days in a row, which got a hugely positive reaction… until he added the words “with your spouse.”
According to a new survey, the French claim they need the largest condoms of any country in Europe. Apparently the French have been putting condoms on their greatly-inflated EGOS.
Scientists have discovered a protein that helps people hear… but after an exhaustive search they still can’t find a protein that makes men listen.
Las Vegas is opening a museum dedicated to Organized Crime. I went to the museum… but I didn’t see nothin’.
Barack Obama spent the entire weekend campaigning, and John McCain spent most of Sunday trying to figure out how to set his sundial back an hour.
John McCain isn’t worried that stories that he cheated on his first wife will cost him votes. He knows that what happens in Mesopotamia stays in Mesopotamia.
Just days after the American CDC reported that our salmonella outbreak is over, 87 people in Quebec have come down with the disease. Good job, America! Instead of outsourcing our jobs, we’re now outsourcing our diseases!
A new study says that all sexual activity carries some health risk. The riskiest type of sexual activity? Sleeping with the wife of an NRA member.
Japanese scientists have proven that elephants can do math, and today several elephants issued a press release saying that Obama’s economic policies don’t add up.
Behavioral scientists say they can tell by your office whether you’re liberal or conservative. If your office is neat, brightly lit and organized, you’re conservative. If your office is colorful, stylish and has room under your desk for an intern, you’re a liberal.
Mexico has begun a national campaign to get its citizens to lose weight. They’re recommending a diet high in protein and fiber, and an exercise program consisting of swimming, climbing fences and running.
In Mexico someone swiped 5000 condoms from a condom-mobile. The police have no suspects but they’re ruled out Sarah Palin’s 17 year old daughter.
Earlier this week a bank in San Diego was robbed twice the same day… once by the CEO, once by the CFO.
The McCain campaign announced that it’s pulling out of Michigan. When told of the news, Sarah Palin’s 17 year old daughter said “Pulling out? What’s that?”
An Ohio man convicted of raping and murdering two women says he’s too fat to be executed because doctors have trouble finding his veins. Here’s a thought- if he’s too fat to be executed, why don’t we just starve him to death?
Yesterday the House of Representatives issued an apology for slavery and segregation. To which FEMA responded “What’s the rush?”
A new survey says that residents of Miami have the lowest level of volunteerism of any major U.S. city. Hey, they volunteered to live in Miami, isn’t that enough?
In running for president John McCain is emphasizing his military record. Isn’t his military record zero and one?
Political experts are saying not to expect to see Al Gore on the campaign trail… apparently it isn’t wide enough.
John McCain has called for building 45 nuclear reactors… but in fairness it takes the energy of three reactors just to power up Al Gore.
Rocker John Bon Jovi has announced plans to give a free concert in New York’s Central Park. This would be big news… if it were 1992.
The Post Office has announced a reorganization to make operations more efficient… their first step? Standardizing ammunition.
John McCain said that he’s using the internet to help him find a running mate. I just don’t think America’s ready for a vice president chosen from the ranks of Match dot com.
A survey of high school students says that 77% of them think it’s okay to cheat in school. Ethics experts are dismayed, but look on the bright side– over three-quarters of high school students are honest enough to admit to cheating.
A scientist has developed a personality test for cats. Let me tell you something– if your cat HAS a personality? It’s a dog.
Handwriting experts have analyzed the candidates’ penmanship. They say that McCain is proud but has a temper, Obama is an excellent diplomat, and Hillary continues to write even though she ran out of paper weeks ago.
The Wildlife Conservation Society has listed a dozen species they say are close to extinction. Among them are the Burmese roofed turtle, the pygmy hippopotamus and the North American Hillary super-delegate.
To curb sales to minors, vending machines in Japan are designed to count wrinkles and look for other signs of aging before dispensing cigarettes. In a related story, Cher has started bringing her own cigarettes to Japan.
Scientists say the main reason people sleep-walk is that they don’t get enough sleep. How do they know it’s not because they don’t get enough walking?
A new study says that as people get older, they get happier. Dick Cheney must have been one very unpleasant child!
Construction workers have dug up a Red Sox jersey that was secretly buried in the cement under the new Yankee Stadium. They found one shirt encased in hundreds of tons of concrete. Maybe we should send THESE guys to look for Bin Laden.
A Chicago man won a contest by eating 35 dozen oysters in 8 minutes. That’s 420 oysters. When asked if he loved oysters the man responded “Well, I used to!”
Older Expired Comedy(sm)
I was at the Coliseum Bookstore going-out-of-business sale. The Business Books section was filled. Why would you buy business books from a store that’s going out of business?
The economy’s so bad that CBS has cancelled CSI New York. They’re replacing it with CSI Bangalore.
The economy’s so bad that first prize in the California Lottery? Two tickets for the Nevada Lottery.
Lindsay Lohan says she’ll be staying in the expensive celebrity rehab center longer than originally planned. I guess the food she’s not eating in rehab is better than the food she’s not eating at home.
A new study says that the dirtiest thing in an office isn’t a toilet, a phone, or a keyboard. It’s a man’s wallet. So guys, instead of carrying a condom in your wallet maybe you should be carrying your wallet around in a condom.
Delta Airlines is scheduled to exit bankruptcy on April 30th. Experts say that if this happens it might be the first time Delta ever did anything on schedule.
McDonald’s reported that their profit increased by 22%. Co-incidentally their average customer also increased by 22%.
A burglar in Brooklyn was caught when he accidentally left his resume at the crime scene. I don’t know what was on his resume but I’m pretty sure it didn’t say that he went to Harvard.
Scientists have discovered that Viagra can help ward off jet lag… and today five thousand flight attendants resigned.
Scientists have discovered that Viagra can help ward off jet lag… today five thousand female flight attendants resigned… but six thousand male flight attendants signed up for overtime.
Paris is upset that she couldn’t bring her dog Tinkerbell to prison with her. But prison rules are very strict- only one bitch per cell!
Congress passed a law giving people in DC representation but a White House spokesman said that the president would probably veto it on Constitutional grounds. Yeah, like the president’s ever read the Constitution.
Scientists say they discovered a new gene that leads to obesity. Know where they found the gene? McDonald’s.
Home Depot says they’re going to start putting special stickers on products that are good for the environment. How about putting stickers on the employees who can actually answer my questions?
Microsoft founder Bill Gates was knighted by the Queen of England. It’s part of a deal they made—she gave him a knighthood and in return he promised to abandon his plan to buy Scotland.
The news reported today that there was marijuana growing wild in front of the federal courthouse in South Dakota. I guess that explains Bob Marley’s face on Mt. Rushmore.
The morning-after pill may soon be sold over-the-counter. No word on when scientists will finally develop a forget-about-whom-you-slept-with-the-night-before pill.
People are calling Congressman Mark Foley a child-molester. But there’s no evidence he actually touched any children, he just emailed them a lot about sex. So he’s not a child-molester… just a tease.
Despite her recent arrest for drunk-driving, Nicole Richie fans still say she’s worth her weight in gold… a dollar seventy three.
The New York Times is reporting that the Rolling Stones had the highest-grossing tour ever, taking in $437 million. Or, in terms Keith Richards understands, 1.1 billion grams.
The New York Times is reporting that more and more dogs are getting jobs, sniffing out not only bombs and drugs but also counterfeit DVDs and other products. That’s the cycle- first immigrants take our jobs, then they become citizens, then dogs take their jobs.
In Germany a 440 pound man was saved by his large size when a car ran over him after he fell off his bicycle. Police said that he suffered only minor injuries- scratches, a bloody nose… and the embarrassment of having everyone in Germany find out how much he weighs.
They reported that the car was a VW Polo. Forget the car- I want to know what kind of bicycle a 440 pound man can ride.
May is National Bicycle Month. Not because of anything official, just that nobody can afford to drive anymore.
In medical news, The Journal of Childhood Obesity is reporting that the problem of overweight children is worsening. You know how to tell that childhood obesity is a problem? Because there’s a magazine called The Journal of Childhood Obesity!
Scientists have reported creating the heaviest element ever, atomic number 118. To give you an idea how heavy this new element is, it weighs 50% more than Nicole Richie.
The New York City Fire Department is extending the deadline to register for the Firefighters’ Exam… promptness apparently not being such an important quality in a firefighter.
In New York City, 10% of school cafeterias failed health inspections. But to put that in perspective, 20% of students fail English, 30% fail math and 40% fail to show up.
In business news, Xerox is reporting that they lost money last quarter. Isn’t Xerox the company that’s expert in making perfect copies of documents? How could they be losing money? Can’t they make their own?
Denny’s is being sued by seven Arab-Americans who said that they were refused service in one of the restaurants. The manager immediately apologized—he said “I’m sorry, I thought they were black.”
Air France and KLM are holding merger talks with Alitalia. Just what the world needs– French customer service combined with Dutch food and Italian scheduling.
In New York City, crime is down even though gang membership is on the increase. Experts say this is because New York gangsters are increasingly incompetent.
I blame the schools.
Kia received the lowest safety rating from the Insurance Institute for its car the Spectra. Kia also received the lowest dating rating from Match dot com.
Four Sacramento firefighters were suspended for having sex on duty. Hey, if they want to stop firemen from getting aroused in the firehouse, they should get rid of the pole!
A woman at Newark Airport went through security before realizing that she had a butcher’s knife in her purse. She said she put it there before going on a blind date and forgot all about it. So guys, if you go on a blind date with this woman, bring a gun!
The Saudi Arabian religious police have outlawed roses on Valentine’s Day. The Saudis did this? They’re the only ones who can AFFORD roses on Valentine’s Day!
President Bush’s new budget includes an increase in the cost of medicines for veterans. At first Vice President Cheney said he was against the increase, then he realized “Hey, I’m not a veteran.”
A four year old boy in Michigan took his mother’s car and drove to the video store. When she heard about it, his mother was furious. She said “I told him he could go to the LIBRARY!”
President Bush promised to solve the Iranian nuclear issue diplomatically. Then he introduced the army’s newest, biggest bomb, The Diplomat.
Starbucks has announced plans to buy a bottled water company. Wow, how expensive will their coffee get once they start using BOTTLED water?
Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it, his Bordeaux is continuing to age… but he isn’t.
Today for Valentine’s Day Hillary Clinton gave her husband Bill a romantic night out. Once a year she lets him out.
Today on Valentine’s Day Hillary Clinton surprised her husband Bill with a romantic night out. I mean, she surprised him AT his romantic night out.
A new report says that the Medicare drug benefit will cost over $700 billion, almost twice the original estimate of $400 billion. Experts say they originally forgot to include the cost of keeping Vice President Dick Cheney alive.
I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Time Magazine named President Bush Person of the Year. When Bush heard about it he had just one question—which year?
A new study says that talking on a cell phone could increase your risk of cancer. But if you talk on your cell phone a lot while you drive, you actually have a lower cancer risk—because you’ll probably crash and die long before you could get cancer.
The New York Times is reporting that schools are starting to give sobriety tests to students. Sure, that’s a priority— spend thousands of dollars on breathalyzers for schools, but nothing for airline pilots?
The New York Times is reporting that schools are now giving sobriety tests to students. Unfortunately they’re talking about high schools, not flight schools.
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have split up. Their marital problems all started with an argument over who was prettier.
He said he was better-looking; she said no, it was the pool boy.
They say your money doesn’t go as far as it used to. Ridiculous! A lot of my money goes as far as Saudi Arabia!
Kmart is buying Sears for eleven billion dollars. But here’s the embarrassing part—they could have gotten it at WalMart for ten billion.
Airlines are starting to carry stun-guns in case of unruly passengers. That’s for First Class. In coach they shove your head in the sink and throw in a toaster.
WalMart is reporting that their sales grew less than analysts had forecast. They said that the reason is that Americans are getting so fat that they can’t fit any more people into the store.
Texas is cutting down on the amount of fat in school lunches after discovering that 38% of fourth graders were obese. In fact some of the fourth graders were so fat they were also in fifth and sixth grade at the same time!
The government is reporting that obesity is now this country’s number one killer. An NRA spokesman said “This is what we’ve been claiming all along, guns don’t kill people, bacon cheeseburgers kill people.”
The government wants to revise the Food Guide Pyramid, because not enough people are paying attention to it. Of course not. Nobody pays attention to pyramids. If they want us to pay attention, they should make it a Food Guide PIE CHART.
Military officials are saying that they still need much better security at fifty Iraqi military ammunition dumps. Here’s an idea—why don’t we just blow them all up?
The Pentagon has finally released the rest of President Bush’s military record. The reason for the delay? They had to wait for the Wite-Out to dry.
George Mason University withdrew an invitation to have film-maker Michael Moore speak on campus the week before the election. They said it had nothing to do with his politics, they just can’t afford to feed him.
The National Association for the Acceptance of Fat Americans, a lobbying group for overweight people, held its convention in Newark this past weekend. So if you’re flying out of Newark, and you have the middle seat… you might want to wait another day.
On Wednesday a National Guard F-16 shot up a school in New Jersey. We attacked New Jersey! Finally, a war we can all agree on!
A man in Northern California claims he’s invented a device that will tell you whether your toilet seat is up or down. Didn’t a man in New Jersey already invent this? I think he called it… the light bulb.
To try to get around federal gun control laws, one Florida county has passed a law making all its citizens members of the militia. Aren’t most people who live in Florida already members of the militia? From two hundred years ago?
Scientists are now discounting the theory that large women are better in bed. It turns out that the researchers were just afraid to tell the fatter women that they were just average.
A new study says that women with breast implants have more sex partners. Well, DUH. Isn’t that the point?There was one exception– women with super extra large implants actually had FEWER sex partners. Anybody know why? Men keep falling off.
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. I thought Times Square already WAS an NRA theme restaurant!
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. If you eat there, be careful– if you send back the wine, they may return fire!
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. This is one place where you REALLY don’t want to light up in the no-smoking section!
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant. Not only can you choose your own lobster from the tank, you can also pick out your own cow and shoot it yourself!
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. Yeah, that’s a good combination– armed tourists and fifteen dollar hamburgers.
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. You know you’re in trouble when you ask about the specials and the waitress says “Do you feel lucky, punk?”
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. “Today’s specials are venison, served with mushrooms and rice, and was killed with .38 caliber long rounds, and a grilled chicken in a lead birdshot Burgundy wine sauce.”
The press is reporting that Linda Tripp’s plastic surgery was paid for by an anonymous donor. AN anonymous donor? Didn’t we ALL chip in?
Japanese company Matsushita has invented a toilet that monitors your health. When you sit on it, it measures your weight, fat content and urine sugar levels and can suggest dietary changes. But if you kneel in front of it, it just tells you to stop drinking so much.
A scientist in Chicago says that he’s ready to begin cloning humans. He expects that it’ll cost about a million dollars; or a million ten thousand if you want one with really big breasts.
A scientist in Chicago says that he’s ready to begin cloning humans. He’s asking for ten million dollars or he’ll clone John Tesh.
John Wayne Bobbitt is back in the news… he says he wants his wife Lorena back. Could it be possible that this man still doesn’t understand the meaning of the word ‘separated?’
So what does Doctor Kevorkian do if one of his patients bounces a check?
Police in New York expect the city to have its lowest reported murder rate since 1968. The murder rate isn’t actually down, but a new environmental rule requiring the Mafia to dump bodies three miles out is making them take longer to wash up on shore.
Anybody here from Connecticut? Good news for drunk drivers. A new report says that half of all the police breathalysers in Connecticut aren’t working. But the bad news… if you hit a tree at fifty miles an hour, you’re still gonna die.
This week the town of Raritan, New Jersey passed a law making it illegal to swear in public. In Raritan, New Jersey it’s now illegal to swear in public. So if someone punches you in the face and you say “Damn that hurts!”– YOU go to jail!
A lawyer in New Jersey is suing a restaurant because they accidentally served him a double espresso instead of a decaf espresso. He’s SUING for getting the wrong beverage. Say what you want, but I think this case clearly shows the dangers of giving lawyers too much caffeine!
Yesterday the Supreme Court decided that Ellis Island is part of New Jersey… I think they did this just to discourage immigrants from coming here.
Billionaire investor Marvin Davis is offering to buy the company that makes Trojan condoms. Well, he didn’t actually offer to buy the company, he just walked up to the counter and whispered.
The New Jersey State Assembly has appointed a special panel to investigate teenage auto theft to try to determine the proper deterrent. Have they considered JAIL? Very few cars are stolen INSIDE prison.
A friend of mine gave me a bottle of what he said was a new drink, Pepsi Clear. It turned out just that the bottle was empty.
(told you they were expired– do you even remember Pepsi Clear?)
To protest a proposed increase in cigarette taxes, ten thousand tobacco workers marched on Washington today. Well, they didn’t exactly march… what they did is, they took a few steps, wheezed, then sat down.
If you go see the movie “Alive” be sure to specify VEGETARIAN popcorn!
Senator Dole has proposed a compromise solution to the issue of whether to allow gays in the military. He would allow them in, but only from the waist up.
Suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian is back in jail. His attorney said that he shouldn’t be in jail because prisons don’t even have enough room for dangerous, violent criminals. But wouldn’t putting the suicide doctor in jail help to RELIEVE overcrowding?
The biggest-selling doll this Christmas is Hollywood Hair Barbie. Her sister doll, Hollywood Boulevard Barbie, isn’t selling so well. Maybe it’s because she costs three hundred dollars… and that’s just for one night.
Bad news– the wildfires are getting worse. But the good news is– it looks like President Bush will be able to meet his goal of no more trees by 2005.
In New Jersey, a man who crashed his car into a McDonald’s says he was trying to commit suicide. If he wanted to die, why didn’t he do what everyone else does– EAT at McDonald’s?
The Coca Cola company is working on a new soda variety– Vanilla Coke. Vanilla Coke, wasn’t that George W. Bush’s nickname in college?
Bankrupt airline USAir is promising that despite its financial problems, customers won’t notice any difference in the airline’s operations. Isn’t that what got them into financial trouble in the first place? How about promising to MAKE SOME CHANGES?
A new study says that people on a vegan diet, who gave up eating all meat and dairy, lost more weight than people on a normal diet. They also lost most of their friends.
Today President Bush welcomed winners from American Idol to the White House. A spokesman for the president said that the president is familiar with American Idol. Just not the Constitution.
Florida Congresswoman Katherine Harris is demanding that Howard Dean apologize for comparing her to Joseph Stalin. Of course she’s nothing like Stalin–- Stalin didn’t pretend to run fair elections.
A new study says that gossiping may actually be good for your health. Yeah? Well I heard that the author of the study is sleeping with his secretary!
Finally some good news from Iraq. The military expects a lull in the fighting as all sides take months to figure out the new Windows Vista operating system.
The FAA is raising the retirement age for pilots from 60 to 65… now your pilot and your meal can be the same age!
A new study says that optimists live longer. Good news for President Bush– he might actually live long enough to see the end of the Iraq war!
In Florida three masked men stole $4 million in coins. They were described as armed and extremely sore.
Today’s snowstorm in the Northeast turned out NOT to be as bad as expected… so Jet Blue was forced to cancel 60 previously-scheduled apologies.
Republicans are saying that Barack Obama only won his Senate seat due to luck, because his opponent got caught in a sex scandal right before the election. I don’t know about you, but I think this country could use a lucky president. Note that I said a lucky president, not a president who gets lucky.
Cuba has opened a new wind farm to help with their country’s power needs. But they’re having problems getting it set up– apparently every Cuban who knows which way the wind blows… is already in Miami.
The New York City Council voted to ban aluminum bats from high school baseball games. Experts say now people have to go back to using the bats for their traditional purpose–- breaking the legs of Mob informants.
In Texas an 18 year old was arrested for giving marijuana to his 2 year old nephew. Authorities were outraged, but he had a good defense– he said “Have you ever baby-sat for a 2 year old?”