(yes, miscellany is the noun form; miscellaneous is an adjective)

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

- Emma Lazarus
(poem inscribed on the Statue of Liberty)

I am a strong believer in the First Amendment, which for some reason seems to be a liberal cause, whereas proponents of the belief that the Second Amendment protects individual ownership of firearms seem to be conservative. I am surprised that no one has made the argument that what protects our First Amendment rights against tyranny is our Second Amendment right to have a closet full of Rugers.

And if secondhand smoke is so dangerous, why aren't cigarettes covered under the Second Amendment?

It occurred to me that if New York City ever has an earthquake in the winter, only smokers will survive. They're the only ones outside.

I believe strongly in protecting my First Amendment rights because, besides voting, the strongest way I can influence government policy (at least until I have the wealth of Exxon or Halliburton at my disposal) is by voicing my opinion to others.

"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people."
- George Bernard Shaw

It is almost unheard-of for anyone to have two letters published in the New York Times on the same day. I have done this... TWICE! In total I've had over three dozen letters to the editor published in the The New York Times, plus a couple each in Business Week, The Wall Street Journal and other publications. And political jokes I've written (performed by me on stage or by a popular late night television talk show host) can also influence public opinion. Satire is a powerful tool, and if terrorists ever try to hide in a comedy club, we will recognize them by their laugh and capture them.

I believe that everyone who is eligible should donate blood. I believe that there should be a national registry of those of us who have signed our organ donor cards (it's on the back of your driver's license-- so go sign it NOW) and that people NOT on the registry should not be eligible for transplanted organs until all those ON the registry have had their needs met. Then we wouldn't have seventeen people dying every day from lack of donor organs

You can't sign the card once you're dead.

Think of it this way-- your relatives are grieving, and one of three things can happen:

A doctor interrupts the crying to suggest harvesting your corpse for spare parts (and they take so long to decide that it's too late anyway), or

A doctor interrupts to tell them that your compassion and forethought have resulted in the savings of the lives of six other people, or

A doctor tells them that not only have you passed away, but that another member of your family also passed away because the hospital couldn't obtain consent in time to use your parts to save someone else who was in the same car crash.

Oh, yeah, I also believe that you should be certain to wear your seat belt in a car, even in the back seat, especially in a taxi.

I think that New Yorkers should stop complaining about tourists. New York is the world's most international city, and tourism is part of what makes New York so wonderful. Tourists, we really don't mean to step in front of your camera, even if you are shooting clear across an expansive Sixth Avenue sidewalk at rush hour. But PLEASE NOTE-- we New Yorkers expect you to WALK FASTER or GET OUT OF OUR WAY. This is a rapid city and we all have things to do.

Some other causes I support:

Safe Darfur- help stop genocide in OUR century	www.SaveDarfur.org
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention	www.AFSP.org
New York Fresh Air Fund	www.FreshAir.org
National Resources Defense Council	http://www.NRDC.org
City Harvest	www.CityHarvest.org
Greenpeace	www.Greenpeace.org
Comedy Fights Cancer	www.ComedyFightsCancer.org

(this does not mean that I support each and every every opinion of these organizations but on the whole I believe that each of these charities does wonderful work)

Pesto

The typical recipe goes something like:
½ cup ground pine nuts
¼ cup shredded parmesan cheese
1 cup fresh basil leaves (pack them down before measuring)
1 clove garlic
¼ cup olive oil
fresh black pepper

blended together in a food processor. It helps if you grind the nuts in the food processor (or in a coffee grinder) before adding the other ingredients.

Here are my changes:

It's perfectly okay to substitute pistachios for pine nuts. Substituting spinach for basil is less than satisfactory. And while another clove of garlic won't hurt, any more than two seems to make the pesto too spicy (and I like garlic). And if you don't know the difference between a clove of garlic and a head of garlic I suggest you find out before ever cooking with garlic.

An interesting change is to substitute goat cheese for the parmesan cheese. It makes the pesto creamier, less spicy (easily changed by the addition of more garlic and/or pepper) and tastier!

Zabaglione

Zabaglione is a popular Italian dessert sauce generally prepared at the restaurant table and poured over fresh fruit. Just about every Italian cookbook shows the recipe to be:

3 egg yolks (large eggs)
¼ cup sugar
⅓ cup marsala wine (or sherry, but marsala wine seems to work better)

Heat the ingredients over a double-boiler, and continue beating with a whisk. The mixture may thicken, then thin out, then thicken again, and this may take 10-12 minutes (about half the time if you use an electric hand mixer, but that takes all the romance and showmanship out of the process, which is why Italian restaurants do it by hand at the table). Please use precautions when working with raw eggs-- no matter how good the food tastes, your guests will not have fond memories of the meal if they come down with salmonella.

Serve immediately over berries, bananas or other food or friend of your choice.

Okay, so that's the basic recipe. What's my change? My friend Andy Lichy and I, after conducting a chocolate-tasting seminar, decided to find a recipe for chocolate zabaglione. We couldn't find one so we set out to create one. After trying roughly a hundred combinations we ended up back at the first recipe, which is the above three ingredients plus no more than two teaspoons cocoa powder. Don't add more than two teaspoons of cocoa, no matter how much you like chocolate, because the mixture will end up pasty and not taste very good.

You can also use six squares of melted dark chocolate, which results in a pudding-like concoction instead of the creamy one you get from using cocoa powder. This concoction can be refrigerated or frozen; regular (chocolate) zabaglione works much better when eaten freshly-prepared.

Note—better quality chocolate or cocoa yields better-tasting desserts.

Bill of Rights of the Constitution of The United States

I cannot take credit for writing this...
(many of these rights have been de facto nullified by the Patriot Act)

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

(but if I had written it, it'd be a lot funnier)

Original material Copyright 1992 - 2009 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. ALL rights reserved. Any retransmission, copying, public performance, recording or any other use of any of the material on this web site, in any form, is strictly prohibited. "Brain Champagne", "Intellectual Comedy for the Smarter Audience", "Clever Comedy for the Smart Audience", "Clever Comedy for Smart Minds", "Ivy League Comedy Showcase", "Ivy Stand-up", "The Smartest You'll Ever Laugh", "The World's Only Jewish Comedian", "Expired Comedy", "Wall Street Comedian" and "Chocolate Snow Lobster" are servicemarks of Shaun Eli Breidbart.

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"Give me your tired, your poor,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

- Emma Lazarus (poem inscribed on the Statue of Liberty)