What is Expired Comedy(sm) ?
Shaun has written thousands of jokes for the monologues of two of America's top late night talk show hosts. Most of the jokes were based on current events which are now no longer topical-- with the passage of time they have lost their original utility. These are jokes which were not told on the air (the ones that he sold no longer belong to him).
Don't forget to come see his shows (see the Schedule page), where you will see and hear topical material that is based on current events.
(page last updated May 3, 2008)
(for jokes Shaun wrote for a political website, many of which aren't all that polite, click here>> Political Jokes)
Expired Comedy(sm):
Lindsay Lohan says she'll be staying in the expensive celebrity rehab center longer than originally planned. I guess the food she's not eating in rehab is better than the food she's not eating at home.
A new study says that the dirtiest thing in an office isn't a toilet, a phone, or a keyboard. It's a man's wallet. So guys, instead of carrying a condom in your wallet maybe you should be carrying your wallet around in a condom.
Delta Airlines is scheduled to exit bankruptcy on April 30th. Experts say that if this happens it might be the first time Delta ever did anything on schedule.
McDonald's reported that their profit increased by 22%. Co-incidentally their average customer also increased by 22%.
A burglar in Brooklyn was caught when he accidentally left his resume at the crime scene. I don't know what was on his resume but I'm pretty sure it didn't say that he went to Harvard.
Scientists have discovered that Viagra can help ward off jet lag... and today five thousand flight attendants resigned.
Scientists have discovered that Viagra can help ward off jet lag... today five thousand female flight attendants resigned... but six thousand male flight attendants signed up for overtime.
Paris is upset that she couldn't bring her dog Tinkerbell to prison with her. But prison rules are very strict- only one bitch per cell!
Congress passed a law giving people in DC representation but a White House spokesman said that the president would probably veto it on Constitutional grounds. Yeah, like the president's ever read the Constitution.
Scientists say they discovered a new gene that leads to obesity. Know where they found the gene? McDonald's.
Home Depot says they're going to start putting special stickers on products that are good for the environment. How about putting stickers on the employees who can actually answer my questions?
Microsoft founder Bill Gates was knighted by the Queen of England. It's part of a deal they made—she gave him a knighthood and in return he promised to abandon his plan to buy Scotland.
The news reported today that there was marijuana growing wild in front of the federal courthouse in South Dakota. I guess that explains Bob Marley's face on Mt. Rushmore.
The morning-after pill may soon be sold over-the-counter. No word on when scientists will finally develop a forget-about-whom-you-slept-with-the-night-before pill.
People are calling Congressman Mark Foley a child-molester. But there’s no evidence he actually touched any children, he just emailed them a lot about sex. So he’s not a child-molester... just a tease.
Despite her recent arrest for drunk-driving, Nicole Richie fans still say she's worth her weight in gold... a dollar seventy three.
The New York Times is reporting that the Rolling Stones had the highest-grossing tour ever, taking in $437 million. Or, in terms Keith Richards understands, 1.1 billion grams.
The New York Times is reporting that more and more dogs are getting jobs, sniffing out not only bombs and drugs but also counterfeit DVDs and other products. That's the cycle- first immigrants take our jobs, then they become citizens, then dogs take their jobs.
In Germany a 440 pound man was saved by his large size when a car ran over him after he fell off his bicycle. Police said that he suffered only minor injuries- scratches, a bloody nose... and the embarrassment of having everyone in Germany find out how much he weighs.
They reported that the car was a VW Polo. Forget the car- I want to know what kind of bicycle a 440 pound man can ride.
May is National Bicycle Month. Not because of anything official, just that nobody can afford to drive anymore.
In medical news, The Journal of Childhood Obesity is reporting that the problem of overweight children is worsening. You know how to tell that childhood obesity is a problem? Because there's a magazine called The Journal of Childhood Obesity!
Scientists have reported creating the heaviest element ever, atomic number 118. To give you an idea how heavy this new element is, it weighs 50% more than Nicole Richie.
The New York City Fire Department is extending the deadline to register for the Firefighters' Exam... promptness apparently not being such an important quality in a firefighter.
In New York City, 10% of school cafeterias failed health inspections. But to put that in perspective, 20% of students fail English, 30% fail math and 40% fail to show up.
In business news, Xerox is reporting that they lost money last quarter. Isn't Xerox the company that's expert in making perfect copies of documents? How could they be losing money? Can't they make their own?
Denny's is being sued by seven Arab-Americans who said that they were refused service in one of the restaurants. The manager immediately apologized—he said "I'm sorry, I thought they were black."
Much more Expired Comedy is below the form
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Air France and KLM are holding merger talks with Alitalia. Just what the world needs-- French customer service combined with Dutch food and Italian scheduling.
In New York City, crime is down even though gang membership is on the increase. Experts say this is because New York gangsters are increasingly incompetent.
I blame the schools.
Kia received the lowest safety rating from the Insurance Institute for its car the Spectra. Kia also received the lowest dating rating from Match dot com.
Four Sacramento firefighters were suspended for having sex on duty. Hey, if they want to stop firemen from getting aroused in the firehouse, they should get rid of the pole!
A woman at Newark Airport went through security before realizing that she had a butcher's knife in her purse. She said she put it there before going on a blind date and forgot all about it. So guys, if you go on a blind date with this woman, bring a gun!
The Saudi Arabian religious police have outlawed roses on Valentine's Day. The Saudis did this? They're the only ones who can AFFORD roses on Valentine's Day!
President Bush's new budget includes an increase in the cost of medicines for veterans. At first Vice President Cheney said he was against the increase, then he realized "Hey, I'm not a veteran."
A four year old boy in Michigan took his mother's car and drove to the video store. When she heard about it, his mother was furious. She said "I told him he could go to the LIBRARY!"
President Bush promised to solve the Iranian nuclear issue diplomatically. Then he introduced the army's newest, biggest bomb, The Diplomat.
Starbucks has announced plans to buy a bottled water company. Wow, how expensive will their coffee get once they start using BOTTLED water?
Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it, his Bordeaux is continuing to age... but he isn't.
Today for Valentine's Day Hillary Clinton gave her husband Bill a romantic night out. Once a year she lets him out.
Today on Valentine's Day Hillary Clinton surprised her husband Bill with a romantic night out. I mean, she surprised him AT his romantic night out.A new report says that the Medicare drug benefit will cost over $700 billion, almost twice the original estimate of $400 billion. Experts say they originally forgot to include the cost of keeping Vice President Dick Cheney alive.
I'm sure you've heard by now that Time Magazine named President Bush Person of the Year. When Bush heard about it he had just one question—which year?
A new study says that talking on a cell phone could increase your risk of cancer. But if you talk on your cell phone a lot while you drive, you actually have a lower cancer risk—because you'll probably crash and die long before you could get cancer.
The New York Times is reporting that schools are starting to give sobriety tests to students. Sure, that's a priority— spend thousands of dollars on breathalyzers for schools, but nothing for airline pilots?
The New York Times is reporting that schools are now giving sobriety tests to students. Unfortunately they're talking about high schools, not flight schools.
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have split up. Their marital problems all started with an argument over who was prettier.He said he was better-looking; she said no, it was the pool boy.
They say your money doesn't go as far as it used to. Ridiculous! A lot of my money goes as far as Saudi Arabia!
Kmart is buying Sears for eleven billion dollars. But here's the embarrassing part—they could have gotten it at WalMart for ten billion.
Airlines are starting to carry stun-guns in case of unruly passengers. That's for First Class. In coach they shove your head in the sink and throw in a toaster.
WalMart is reporting that their sales grew less than analysts had forecast. They said that the reason is that Americans are getting so fat that they can't fit any more people into the store.
Texas is cutting down on the amount of fat in school lunches after discovering that 38% of fourth graders were obese. In fact some of the fourth graders were so fat they were also in fifth and sixth grade at the same time!
The government is reporting that obesity is now this country's number one killer. An NRA spokesman said "This is what we've been claiming all along, guns don't kill people, bacon cheeseburgers kill people."
The government wants to revise the Food Guide Pyramid, because not enough people are paying attention to it. Of course not. Nobody pays attention to pyramids. If they want us to pay attention, they should make it a Food Guide PIE CHART.
Military officials are saying that they still need much better security at fifty Iraqi military ammunition dumps. Here's an idea—why don't we just blow them all up?
The Pentagon has finally released the rest of President Bush's military record. The reason for the delay? They had to wait for the Wite-Out to dry.
George Mason University withdrew an invitation to have film-maker Michael Moore speak on campus the week before the election. They said it had nothing to do with his politics, they just can't afford to feed him.
The National Association for the Acceptance of Fat Americans, a lobbying group for overweight people, held its convention in Newark this past weekend. So if you're flying out of Newark, and you have the middle seat… you might want to wait another day.
On Wednesday a National Guard F-16 shot up a school in New Jersey. We attacked New Jersey! Finally, a war we can all agree on!
A man in Northern California claims he's invented a device that will tell you whether your toilet seat is up or down. Didn't a man in New Jersey already invent this? I think he called it... the light bulb.
To try to get around federal gun control laws, one Florida county has passed a law making all its citizens members of the militia. Aren't most people who live in Florida already members of the militia? From two hundred years ago?
Scientists are now discounting the theory that large women are better in bed. It turns out that the researchers were just afraid to tell the fatter women that they were just average.
A new study says that women with breast implants have more sex partners. Well, DUH. Isn't that the point?There was one exception-- women with super extra large implants actually had FEWER sex partners. Anybody know why? Men keep falling off.
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. I thought Times Square already WAS an NRA theme restaurant!
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. If you eat there, be careful-- if you send back the wine, they may return fire!
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. This is one place where you REALLY don't want to light up in the no-smoking section!
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant. Not only can you choose your own lobster from the tank, you can also pick out your own cow and shoot it yourself!
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. Yeah, that's a good combination-- armed tourists and fifteen dollar hamburgers.
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. You know you're in trouble when you ask about the specials and the waitress says "Do you feel lucky, punk?"
The National Rifle Association is opening a theme restaurant in Times Square. "Today's specials are venison, served with mushrooms and rice, and was killed with .38 caliber long rounds, and a grilled chicken in a lead birdshot Burgundy wine sauce."
The press is reporting that Linda Tripp's plastic surgery was paid for by an anonymous donor. AN anonymous donor? Didn't we ALL chip in?
Japanese company Matsushita has invented a toilet that monitors your health. When you sit on it, it measures your weight, fat content and urine sugar levels and can suggest dietary changes. But if you kneel in front of it, it just tells you to stop drinking so much.
A scientist in Chicago says that he's ready to begin cloning humans. He expects that it'll cost about a million dollars; or a million ten thousand if you want one with really big breasts.
A scientist in Chicago says that he's ready to begin cloning humans. He's asking for ten million dollars or he'll clone John Tesh.
John Wayne Bobbitt is back in the news... he says he wants his wife Lorena back. Could it be possible that this man still doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'separated?'
So what does Doctor Kevorkian do if one of his patients bounces a check?
Police in New York expect the city to have its lowest reported murder rate since 1968. The murder rate isn't actually down, but a new environmental rule requiring the Mafia to dump bodies three miles out is making them take longer to wash up on shore.
Anybody here from Connecticut? Good news for drunk drivers. A new report says that half of all the police breathalysers in Connecticut aren't working. But the bad news... if you hit a tree at fifty miles an hour, you're still gonna die.
This week the town of Raritan, New Jersey passed a law making it illegal to swear in public. In Raritan, New Jersey it's now illegal to swear in public. So if someone punches you in the face and you say "Damn that hurts!"-- YOU go to jail!
A lawyer in New Jersey is suing a restaurant because they accidentally served him a double espresso instead of a decaf espresso. He's SUING for getting the wrong beverage. Say what you want, but I think this case clearly shows the dangers of giving lawyers too much caffeine!
Yesterday the Supreme Court decided that Ellis Island is part of New Jersey... I think they did this just to discourage immigrants from coming here.
Billionaire investor Marvin Davis is offering to buy the company that makes Trojan condoms. Well, he didn't actually offer to buy the company, he just walked up to the counter and whispered.
The New Jersey State Assembly has appointed a special panel to investigate teenage auto theft to try to determine the proper deterrent. Have they considered JAIL? Very few cars are stolen INSIDE prison.
A friend of mine gave me a bottle of what he said was a new drink, Pepsi Clear. It turned out just that the bottle was empty.(told you they were expired-- do you even remember Pepsi Clear?)
To protest a proposed increase in cigarette taxes, ten thousand tobacco workers marched on Washington today. Well, they didn't exactly march... what they did is, they took a few steps, wheezed, then sat down.
If you go see the movie "Alive" be sure to specify VEGETARIAN popcorn!
Senator Dole has proposed a compromise solution to the issue of whether to allow gays in the military. He would allow them in, but only from the waist up.
Suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian is back in jail. His attorney said that he shouldn't be in jail because prisons don't even have enough room for dangerous, violent criminals. But wouldn't putting the suicide doctor in jail help to RELIEVE overcrowding?
The biggest-selling doll this Christmas is Hollywood Hair Barbie. Her sister doll, Hollywood Boulevard Barbie, isn't selling so well. Maybe it's because she costs three hundred dollars... and that's just for one night.
Bad news-- the wildfires are getting worse. But the good news is-- it looks like President Bush will be able to meet his goal of no more trees by 2005.
In New Jersey, a man who crashed his car into a McDonald's says he was trying to commit suicide. If he wanted to die, why didn't he do what everyone else does-- EAT at McDonald's?
The Coca Cola company is working on a new soda variety-- Vanilla Coke. Vanilla Coke, wasn't that George W. Bush's nickname in college?
Bankrupt airline USAir is promising that despite its financial problems, customers won't notice any difference in the airline's operations. Isn't that what got them into financial trouble in the first place? How about promising to MAKE SOME CHANGES?
A new study says that people on a vegan diet, who gave up eating all meat and dairy, lost more weight than people on a normal diet. They also lost most of their friends.
Today President Bush welcomed winners from American Idol to the White House. A spokesman for the president said that the president is familiar with American Idol. Just not the Constitution.
Florida Congresswoman Katherine Harris is demanding that Howard Dean apologize for comparing her to Joseph Stalin. Of course she’s nothing like Stalin–- Stalin didn’t pretend to run fair elections.
A new study says that gossiping may actually be good for your health. Yeah? Well I heard that the author of the study is sleeping with his secretary!
Finally some good news from Iraq. The military expects a lull in the fighting as all sides take months to figure out the new Windows Vista operating system.
The FAA is raising the retirement age for pilots from 60 to 65... now your pilot and your meal can be the same age!
A new study says that optimists live longer. Good news for President Bush– he might actually live long enough to see the end of the Iraq war!
In Florida three masked men stole $4 million in coins. They were described as armed and extremely sore.
Today's snowstorm in the Northeast turned out NOT to be as bad as expected... so Jet Blue was forced to cancel 60 previously-scheduled apologies.
Republicans are saying that Barack Obama only won his Senate seat due to luck, because his opponent got caught in a sex scandal right before the election. I don't know about you, but I think this country could use a lucky president. Note that I said a lucky president, not a president who gets lucky.
Cuba has opened a new wind farm to help with their country's power needs. But they're having problems getting it set up-- apparently every Cuban who knows which way the wind blows... is already in Miami.
The New York City Council voted to ban aluminum bats from high school baseball games. Experts say now people have to go back to using the bats for their traditional purpose–- breaking the legs of Mob informants.
In Texas an 18 year old was arrested for giving marijuana to his 2 year old nephew. Authorities were outraged, but he had a good defense– he said "Have you ever baby-sat for a 2 year old?"
Original material Copyright 1992 - 2008 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. ALL rights reserved. Any retransmission, copying, public performance, recording or any other use of any of the material on this web site, in any form, is strictly prohibited. "Brain Champagne", "Intellectual Comedy for the Smarter Audience", "Clever Comedy for the Smart Audience", "Clever Comedy for Smart Minds", "Ivy League Comedy Showcase", "Ivy Stand-up", "The Smartest You'll Ever Laugh", "The World's Only Jewish Comedian", "Expired Comedy" and "Chocolate Snow Lobster" are servicemarks of Shaun Eli Breidbart.