More EXPIRED COMEDY

jokes from October 2009 that didn't sell...

From Stand-up Comedian Shaun Eli

www.BrainChampagne.com

Today is the 43rd anniversary of the founding of The National Organization for Women. And now, 43 years later, because of all their hard work, we can finally have a black president.

A spa in Austria opened a new pool filled with more than 40,000 pints of beer – claiming that it can treat skin conditions. That's what I'd claim if I owned a spa and my wife caught me buying 40,000 pints of beer.

A new USA Today poll found that 60% of Americans predict the country will be better off by the end of President Obama’s first term. But since the poll was conducted among readers of USA Today, 70% didn't understand the question.

A new poll found that more than 70% of Americans think Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. 100's more than 70, isn't it?

An obese man in New Jersey is making the case that he is too fat to have killed his son-in-law. But his case grew weaker when he accidentally sat on his lawyer and killed him.

Actress Winona Ryder is 38. If you want to get her a gift, you can't go wrong with anything in a size six you can shoplift.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg asked kids in New York to wear Yankees gear to school today. Just yesterday the mayor spent almost half of his four billion dollar fortune on two A-Rod jerseys and a Yankees hat.

First Lady Michelle Obama and Second Lady Jill Biden were at Game 1 of the World Series here in New York earlier tonight, and former president Bill Clinton told Hillary he was there too.

Jay-Z and Alicia Keys were supposed to perform“Empire State of Mind” live before Game 1 of the World Series earlier tonight but the performance was postponed. Not because of the weather, because Kanye West stole the microphone.

Senators from New York and Pennsylvania are making a wager on the World Series: If the Yankees win, Senators Schumer and Gillibrand get Philly cheesesteaks. And if the Phillies win, Senators Specter and Casey will get beaten and robbed in the South Bronx.

A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. Another study found that men who mention this first study to their wives will live an average thirty years less than their father.

The IRS has a new unit called the Global Wealth Industry group – which targets only the very wealthy. They bought the unit from the estate of Anna Nicole Smith.

Researchers in Germany have created a new iPhone app that can drive a car. But if your iPhone is caught talking on itself while driving it can be fined a hundred dollars.

A woman in Louisiana was shocked to find out that a painting she sold for $2 at a garage sale could be a Picasso worth millions of dollars. But in her defense... who knew that Picasso ever painted dogs playing poker?

A new study found that the secret to a long, happy marriage could include having a wife who is smarter than you and at least 5 years younger. Another secret to a happy marriage? Not showing this study to your wife and saying "Honey, we're doomed."

New York City's first subway, the IRT, opened today in 1904. And just yesterday it finally arrived at its destination.

The first World Series game is Wednesday night at the new Yankee Stadium. You know the NEW Yankee Stadium, right? That's the one that RECENT mobsters are buried under.

A newspaper in Denver, Colorado is taking applications for a medical marijuana reviewer. They expected thousands of applications the first day but, you know, well, man, I'll get to applying, like, tomorrow.

Brad Pitt is doing fine after he was involved in a minor motorcycle accident in Los Angeles yesterday. And by doing fine... well, he broke eleven ribs and punctured a lung, but he's still married to Angelina Jolie.

Trying to set a world record, over the weekend a Michigan man stuffed 16 cockroaches into his mouth. The record's for being the man least likely to ever have another date.

The pilots of that Northwest Airlines flight that missed Minneapolis by 150 miles last week say they weren’t sleeping but just having a discussion about airline policy. Apparently they disagreed with the policy requiring them to land.

A man in Massachusetts was arrested after he kidnapped a Honda car salesman during a test drive and didn’t stop for more than 1,000 miles. Or, as the Northwest pilots are calling it, a minor oversight.

Fortune magazine is laying off workers and planning to publish 25% fewer issues each year as a result of the recession. So if you're getting your business advice from Fortune magazine, you might want to rethink it.... They're also changing the name of the magazine to MisFortune.

A woman in Malaysia will get free air travel for life after she gave birth to a baby boy while on an airplane. She was only three months pregnant when she got on the plane but, you know, it was a Northwest flight.

Today in 1825 the Erie Canal opened in upstate New York, connecting Lake Erie and the Hudson River. Shortening Larry King's commute by almost thirty minutes.

Today is the 14th anniversary of the "Million Man March." A million black men marched and the next decade one of them became president. That's great, but let's just hope there's never a million Gosselin march.

Calvin Klein is now selling men's jeans with an extra layer of fabric around the fly to make men look bigger in the you-know-where. They cost eighty bucks. Or you could just get the regular forty dollar pants, plus a $10 roll of quarters.

Vogue is being criticized for featuring a pregnant, unmarried 19-year-old model on the cover of its November issue. Why? It's not like any of the guys who work at Vogue could've gotten her pregnant.

A woman in Australia divorced her husband after he asked her to choose between him and her pet crocodile. You have to be really bad in bed if your wife dumps you for a crocodile.

The Wall Street Journal is now outselling USA Today. When asked for comment, the editor of USA Today said it's because more and more Americans are learning to read.

California’s First Lady Maria Shriver apologized yesterday for talking on her cell phone while driving. But she said it wasn't fair that she can't use her cell phone when driving but her husband can, since Governor Schwarzenegger has a cell phone built right into his robotics.

A new survey found that 36 percent of people under 35 admit to checking Facebook, texting or Tweeting right after sex. Mostly to try to remember the name of the person they just had sex with.

Because they run so quietly new hybrid and electric cars are adding "artificial engine noises" - so pedestrians can hear them approaching. But it doesn't always work perfectly. Al Gore's Prius, for example, makes a noise that puts everyone to sleep.

The American health insurance industry warned yesterday that it will drive up premiums if a health care bill is passed. So if you're wondering, the major difference between insurance companies and the Gambino Family is, the Gambino Family has better food.

First Lady Michelle Obama visited the Health and Human Services Department today to discuss child nutrition. Well, she didn't actually visit their offices, they met at the McDonald's in the lobby.

A new survey found that 80 percent of economists believe the recession is over. The survey also found a 20% unemployment rate among economists.

A company in Britain is selling a new lip gloss that comes with test strips which can detect if your drink has been Roofied. So guys, if you meet a woman in a bar wearing lip gloss, you're gonna have to take advantage of her the old-fashioned way, getting her really drunk.

The Nobel prize in economics was awarded today to two Americans. Americans won the prize for economics. And in a first, the Nobel Committee awarded itself the Nobel Prize for Irony.

A new study found that men with mustaches earn 4% more each year than clean shaven men. Women with mustaches earn 15% less. And strippers with mustaches? Barely anything at all.

Happy Columbus Day! The 80th annual New York City Columbus Day Parade was this morning – it began at 44th Street and ended at 79th Street. Like Columbus, they were looking for Chinatown but totally missed it.

Israel threatened yesterday to attack Iran if nuclear sanctions are not in place by Christmas. But don't worry, because both Iran and Israel aren't really sure when Christmas is.

This morning it was announced that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Really? Obama? A peace prize? Isn't he the guy who just attacked the moon?

The National Republican Congressional Committee is circulating a “Fire Nancy Pelosi” petition because they believe she poses a risk to national security. Helping take at least a little of the pressure off of David Letterman.

Doctor Phil is being sued by a female patient, who claims he held her captive and forced her to be in the same room with a completely naked man while groping her. Or as David Letterman calls it, Tuesday.

Last year in New York City, police stopped and frisked 531,159 people – that’s more than five times the number in 2002. Which is surprising, because considering how fat Americans are getting, people take longer and longer to frisk.

A new website allows users to post when, where and even how they had sex. Or you could just subscribe to Bill Clinton's Twitter feed.

The federal deficit hit a record $1.4 trillion in 2009. To give you an idea how much that is, it's the equivalent of six skim lattes and a large regular coffee at Starbucks.

Former presidential candidate and viagra pitchman Bob Dole say that the health care bill will pass so Republicans should get on board. And by 'on board' thankfully he means on board the bill, not on board Bob Dole.

A new survey says that 22% of teenagers in the U.S. want an iPhone and that 15% already own one. And a survey of iPhones says that none of them want to be owned by teenagers.

A new survey found that 30% of Americans don't believe that hard work will help them get ahead. If that's the case, why are we worrying about a 10% unemployment rate?

A new poll by Marist College found that “Whatever” is the most annoying word used in conversation. Talk to the hand, Marist College pollsters.

Forbes just released a list of wealthy Americans who could actually buy entire countries. Bill Gates, who's worth $50 billion, could buy 140 countries, including Costa Rica, El Salvador, Bolivia and Uruguay. When reached for comment, Mr. Gates says he just plans to stick with the ones he already owns, the U.S., Canada, England, France and Australia.

Playboy Enterprises just hired a new president. "Hired" might be the wrong word to use since all the applicants for the job said they'd do it for free.

A new survey says that 29% of adults in Denver would rather give up sex for a year than give up their cell phones. Not only are all 29% women, they're women that men are no longer calling.

A new survey says that 29% of adults in Denver would rather give up sex for a year than give up their cell phones. Something tells me these are people who haven't HAD sex for a year.

Over the weekend, Poland unveiled a new Roman Polanski star on its "walk-of-fame" in Warsaw. Where it can look up the dresses of little girls.

A new insurance survey found that nearly half a million car accidents each year are caused by female drivers applying make-up. And another MILLION accidents caused by men ogling them after they finish.

President Obama met with doctors from across the nation at the White House today to talk about health care reform. Well, he didn't exactly meet with them, he sat in the White House waiting room for forty minutes, then he sat in a White House exam room in his underwear for another twenty minutes, then the doctors came in, looked at his chart for a few seconds, then took a phone call... and he's still waiting for them to come back.

Brothels in Australia will offer 50% discounts to any client over 60 – in honor of the country’s national Seniors Week. Well God bless the Australian hookers, their hearts are in the right place. This just in– 5000 Australian prostitutes are taking the week off.

A 70-year-old man in Minnesota ran his 163rd marathon yesterday. Not on purpose, he's just really bad at finding the bathroom.

A 43-year-old man in Canada was sentenced to counseling after he shot his handgun into a television. They couldn't jail him, 'cause he was watching Bugs Bunny and it was during Rabbit Season.

A judge in Sweden will allow a couple to name their son “Q” – after their favorite Star Trek character – because there's no proof the child will suffer with that name. I think they'll get all the proof they need when the kid starts kindergarten.

A new Nielsen survey found that women, teenagers and senior citizens are the fastest growing group of mobile internet users. That's a group? That's everybody but me.

The Transportation Security Administration will install 150 security machines at airports around the country that can see under passengers’ clothing. Don't we already have these? I think they're called really, really short TSA agents.

A new study found that heavy drinkers exercise 19.9 minutes more per week than non-heavy drinkers. Because when you're drunk, carrying a keg takes 20% longer.

Spencer Pratt from MTV’s “The Hills” told the New York Post that he and his wife, Heidi Montag, barely have sex because he’s scared she will get pregnant. Making him the first husband in history who's really, really looking forward to his wife's menopause.

“Friends” star Matt LeBlanc will star in a new comedy on Showtime called “Episodes” about a husband-and-wife producing team. In the first episode, they cancel the sitcom "Joey."

Coca-Cola will change the packaging on almost all its products to make calorie information larger. Seems only fair, since everything else is getting larger... the bottles, the cans, their customers.

A man awaiting trial for robbery escaped from court in New York City yesterday, disguised as a well-dressed lawyer. But justice was served, because then the police went out and arrested seven thousand lawyers.

Support for Obama’s healthcare plan hit a new low this week - just 41%. Meanwhile, people are rallying around the Republican plan entitled: (silence)

An independent watchdog group revealed that more than $100 million has been spent this year on TV ads about health care. To give you an idea what $100 million could buy, if you spend it on Viagra that's almost 158 miles of erections.

Bruce Springsteen performed the entire album of “Born To Run” tonight in the first of his five shows at Giants Stadium in New Jersey. But since Bruce is sixty years old, the title song is now "Born to Mall Walk."

Filmmaker Woody Allen signed a petition objecting to Roman Polanski’s arrest – saying "What's wrong with sleeping with a 13 year old? I mean, it's not like it was his daughter!"

Google launched a program called Wave today – it combines e-mail, chat, blogs and photo-sharing. Tomorrow they launch the application Wave To The Ambulance that automatically calls 911 if it detects that you're driving while emailing, chatting, blogging and photo-sharing.

Police in Raleigh, North Carolina arrested more than 200 people so far this year for panhandling without a permit. I was in Raleigh this weekend and here's what I saw (insert– photo of panhandler with sign saying "Need Money for Panhandling Permit").

According to the American Pet Products Association, Americans spend $45 billion on pet products. And what do our pets spend on us? Nothing! That's the last time I buy my dog a Ferrari for him to stick his head out the window of while I drive it for him.

The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new world currency. Luckily the American dollar is still the preferred currency for snorting cocaine.

Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on the TLC show “Jon & Kate Plus 8. ” The show will be now called “Kate Wishes the Supernanny Were on the Same Network."

Some sad news– the founder of the clothing store chain The Gap passed away. He'll be buried as soon as six insolent teenage pallbearers stop texting their friends and get around to picking up the coffin.

A new study found that dieters should not eat with skinny people who over eat. Which shouldn't be much of a problem here because most Americans don't know any skinny people.

A British warship seized more than five and a half tons of cocaine last week from a fishing vessel – the largest drug bust in the Royal Navy. They said the smugglers were nice enough to help them unload it, which they finished doing in three minutes and eight seconds.

Singer-guitarist Mark Farner of Grand Funk Railroad is celebrating his 61st birthday. Today is also the 40th anniversary of the last time anyone used the phrase "Grand Funk Railroad."

A new study from the University of New Hampshire found that children who are spanked have a lower IQ than children who are not spanked. And if you're an adult and you're paying a hooker more than fifty bucks to spank you, you're an idiot!